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knight-already · 1 year ago

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Why Chilton ruined Rory.

Believe it of not, Rory's ruin didnt come from the people, or the environment. In fact it wasn't even Chilton itself, Chilton was a great experience for Rory.

Then your probably wondering what are you talking about. If it wasn't Chilton, then what is your point?

It was what became -- because of Chilton. Lorelai desire for Rory to go to Chilton was even stronger than her desire to keep limited contact with her parents. I mean wasn't that the point? We see that.

But what we don't see is what breaking that dam meant.

Rory is a child of poverty.

We don't see that, because what we see is a two story house, take out everyday, more books than it seems logical. We see a perfectly normal upper middle class family.

But for all of Rory's life before the two story house, was a shed in the back of the inn her mum worked in.

Rory's world was nothing like we see at the start of Gilmore girls. Which makes why she fell apart as a character so much more clear.

Poverty, meant that things were out of reach -- if Rory got one book for the year that was hers and not one from a library. That was something to treasure, because she only had a sixteen year old who was only now getting her shit together for a mum. I'm sure things were tight for a long time.

So with everything out of reach, everything behind a clear glass so little Rory could see it but never have it because they never had enough -- that gives purpose.

Now with only her mum and maybe her mum's co workers to help look after her, then the older towns folk. I'm sure Rory found herself unable to do much more that sit quietly and read. I'm sure, she quickly put two and two together like kids tend to do when they know their parents are in a rough spot. They try to not be too demanding and keep to themselves, they 'mature.'

She read, she did her school work, and she dreamed about far off places, she dreamed about being an explore, seeing the world. Helping the work, telling stories for those that couldn't. Her pen would be her weapon to fight the evils of the world.

She dreamt about getting out of poverty and I'm sure like all of us, her mum told her the only was she could was to get a good job.

She told her, "but to do that you need to finish middle school, highschool and go to college. The better the college the better your chances at success!"

So Rory started to study and take her school work more seriously. She's working hard to achieve something impossible from where she's standing.

All of us normal people know, something like an ivy league college like Yale or Harvard is impossible. We don't have the resources, or the time or money. And if somehow we did work hard and somehow got in -- we'd be struggling somehow. Maybe we have to help out with the family: chores that your parents can't do or having to pick up part time work so you can help out or looking after siblings.

Even as an only child with a single mum working as a maid it just won't seem likely. This was Rory's drive. Because all she has known up till now was scarifice.

I'm not sure when things started to turn up for the mother daughter duo because Rory was only 15/16 at the start even then they were only okay. They weren't great, they were lower middle/working class at best. Certainly not swimming in money.

The town also plays a role in this, they look out for the both of them, after all they are:

A 16 yr old, highschool drop out mother who clearly has no idea what she's doing with a daughter who could be her sister.

The coodle them, the look after them. Because they are just children and it's not like they could do much. They can only see them on the street, maybe help out with groceries, look after the baby while the child works.

And while they have Rory, they see how bright she is -- and they encourage her. They, along with Lorelai tell her the sky is the limit though they know it's not realistic, they can't afford it.

They are protective of Rory because they all had their hand at raising her. They see how brilliant she is and if it wasn't for her grandparents I'm sure the town would have put up to help that kid go to college. Because that's just the kind of people they have in the town.

Is any of this coming together yet?

No? We still haven't any idea why Chilton ruined Rory?

Now I can't not emphasis enough that Rory is young. She is so young. Things have already made a permanent mark in her life while other things slowly faded.

Now comes Chilton, she got in, how?

Rich grandparents.

Lorelai opened contact and slowly Rory is taken into this world of wealth and riches. Chilton is FULL off rich kids. They've been rich all their lives, I like to think Rory's off brand bright orange backpack was like the constant reminder of where Rory came from. It's not the Chilton bag that matches the uniform, for uniformity sakes.

It might not mean much, but the obnoxious orange stands out. Because she stands out she's not like them.

When she goes home using a bus, a stinky, smelly public bus. All the other kids have cars and private cars coming to pick them up. Maybe they don't drive, they all live ten minutes tops away. While Rory's 30 minutes.

Even now she has to fight for her spot because she doesn't really know her grandparents and she's practically a scholarship kid in a rich school. Nothing she has, nothing materialistic compares to the other kids. Things they can just have and bought on a whim she can't.

Yes, she has her family name that has weight, yes she has her grandma, yes she also has a house ten minutes away from the school. Yes she has rich grandparents that knows all the kid's and their parents.

But all those things belongs to her grandparents.

She has nothing and her mother has nothing. Rory still has a reason to fight to make her place. She has dreams that can only be accomplished by hard work.

She knows hard work.

Now time goes by and she's closer to her grandparents. They open up a wealthy world to her any whim is theirs to grant happily, for example, Her grandfather gives her a meeting at Yale just to 'keep her options open.'

Everything that was once far away is now close to her it's at her finger tips. Though at first she does not use it. Because she doesn't know how -- All she knows how to do is study so she keeps at it. She has a goal, or something that looks like a goal. Her world that she knows has changed again.

From poverty to working middle class to wealthy.

Everything is changing.

But you know what hasn't changed the town she lives in. Their encouragement and coddling of Rory, because she is a good kid and they know her -- she grew up with them. But now she has so much more. Yet they treat her the same.

She by now is not some poor four year old with a bright future yet no resources to do anything about it. But mentally she doesn't really remove herself from who she was as a child. Even though she has no issue accepting what she has, mentally she's still back there.

what once was encouragement for a little girl with no real future, not one she could afford became nothing.

she's so bright, she so smart, so removed from her peers that you can't help but hope for the best from her. Everyone put such a pressure to continue on her shoulders that -- she just did. But slowly, she's losing the steam.

Slowly she realizes that she was just moving without a purpose. She's only doing what's required of her -- because I mean, in that small town there is no one really there who knows what to do. What she should do. So she just keeps doing what she has.

I mean look at when Paris told her she needs to have certain things down, like the event where she had to build houses so she freaked and started looking at things she could do to fill her application. For someone who did so much research about Harvard you would think she would have come across something about the importance of extracurricular activities.

Another example was with her writing, the paper before the ballet in 'die jerk die' the dude says that's she had no opinion. The easy that she got a D -- nothing with substance, half hearted.

Or even the piece for Chilton, when she wrote on cement. No opinion, just a really good factual piece. That got praises.

Then she goes for the interview for the paper and the lady asks, well what would you write? If we hired you.

And she freezes.

Or when Logan's dad says she doesn't have the drive or when everyone was doing internships she went to Europe.

She gets angry but it's just a fact.

She has no heart, her childish dream was one of adventure she isn't suited for but was pressured to use it as a life direction with no space for change. Because she knows that's who she has to be -- that's who her mum tells her to be.

Then comes Logan giving her the fact check.

"You are one of us. You are wealthy, you have just as much as we do."

And he starts to list it off and she can't fight it.

But she doesn't have that -- not for free. Not for her whole life. Hardly four or so years by then. Mentally she's still that little girl with her mum in the shed. She doesn't have money.

Everyone's telling her who she is -- but she knows that's not her. So she spirals, because she's coming at an age where reality is really setting in and she's racing a dead horse. But she can't stop because it's not what's she's suppose to do.

And when she does, she's lost. Because truly she doesn't know who she is or what she likes.

So in conclusion, Rory went from being a little fish in a big uncertain yet comfortable pond. To a big fish in a little pond unwillingly. The cruelty of the world starting knocking, telling her that she was in fact a big fish and she needed to wake up and smell the roses.

While the small pond she's use too, ie stars hollow and her grandparents told her that they did not know what they were talking about because she was a little fish in a big pond.

Don't you think it's fitting that the first episodes plot point was the start of our main characters end?

#gilmore girls #rory gilmore #luke danes #emily gilmore #richard gilmore #stars hollow #lorelai gilmore

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papirouge · 1 year ago

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omg so my brother is a passport bro. We live in the us. He was taught by tiktok podcasts and fully believed that American men were HIGHLY desired by “young sweet girls all over the world” unlike the women here who are all too old, ugly, fat, that will be lonely depressed cat ladies. So he drops out of university to go travel to Eastern Europe, South America with just a backpack hoping that he’ll marry a young girl and somehow, without a job, he’ll be taken care of by her and her family lol.

But he comes home a few days ago and he has a TANTRUM. He’s crying to my dad that he has no money, that feminism destroyed the world,. I’m home from university for a break and saw this. He was just whining that gold diggers are everywhere and that he can’t believe he was told he was fat and ugly to his face. I think he went to Columbia and Slovenia a lot? I don’t know those cultures personally so I can’t say.

My dad is being sympathetic because he’s a passport bro before passport bros were a thing. He’s been married multiple times to foreign women and his last marriage was to my mom who is chinese and who had me when she was young. My moms family doesn’t have a lot of money. But when she got her residency here, she left him. Shes more successful now. She’s been supporting me while I study but not my brother since my brother and I are half siblings that share the same dad. My brother never liked my mom and was always mean to her. You would think my brother would see how my dad is doing and think that trying to marry a girl who didn’t even speak the same language wasn’t going to work, but he still thought he was entitled to someone’s free labor. I leave for my university in a few days but it’s crazy to see my brother who had been so mean to me and call all kinds of misogynistic names now sobbing to me for money. I told him how he used to call me a gross lonely cat lady for liking cats in general but now expects me to help him. He went from being very apologetic, how he was just joking and was very insecure around me because I worked hard for my education while he didnt, but then he got angry when I didn’t coddle him. He’s been locked up in his room for a while now.

I mean, the fact he talking about travelling to meet "sweet GIRLS" unlike his local WOMEN is a major red flag ..

I'll never understand passport bro logic to travel and snatch "traditional women" and then expect them to coddle and take care of them. Why don't they understand that in traditional standards, the MAN is the one supposed to provide? A traditional minded woman will never respect a man that doesn't live up the standards of traditional masculinity. I think that's the reason behind these marriage failing. It would be awesome to have data about interracial marriage, the reason why they fail, who files for divorce, etc. (like they do with non mixed marriage)

There's a graphic circulating around showing the divorce rate dynamic between interracial marriage but results show very contradictory results and the source is behind a paywall....

These passport bro traveling the world and coming back seething against feminism having destroyed the world need a reality. Regardless where they live : women are women. OF COURSE they're going to prioritize themselves and move following their best interest as much as they can. Men do it all the time. But it becomes a problem when women prioritizing themselves means saying 'no' to men :)

And you're absolutely right to focus on your education. A few ago I left a scorching comment on a Black feminity channel who beefed with a participant that called out the channel for saying to girls that education wasn't that important. The channel owner got real MAD and called the participant bitter and unhappy in her life....when that person was highly educated, married and with a child 💀 I told her she had no reason to go off like that, even if she disagreed with the participant, assuming stuff about her personal life which was unasked for. What really stroke me is that the channel owner was always so pedantic in her videos, being like " Black women are too this or that" when she herself behaved like a ghetto Black women, unecessary catty & aggressive against that participant who was very eloquent and classy in her way of speaking. Like- you knew how smart she was by the tone of her voice 👀

That's why it's soooo important to pick good feminity channel. Many grifters jumped on the bandwagon but don't have what it takes to posture themselves as feminity guru. I think the channel owner - who's an esthetician - was pressed that a much more educated Black women who has *everything* (a career, husband, child) was still disagreeing with her 💀 I think it triggered an inferiority complex that made her snap. I told her in my comment it was delusional to tell women that education wasn't important bc professional setting are where you can't find quality men. Like, yeah, there are more chance finding rich men at an engineering conference than a beauty salon, DUH! That's why education is important. You're doing good, girl 👍🏾

#answered

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manonblaqkbeak · 3 years ago

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Sugar, sugar

(genuinely hate coming up with titles lol)

this is just rowaelin being pining idiots, one of my fave tropes for day 11--delayed love confession

just a note, the lifestyle in this fic is more of a background note and doesnt really take centre stage in this fic. it’s one ive been tempted to write for a while tbh but didnt really get around to it until now

cw: very, very light smut (like barely non existent, but just in case), a lil bit of swearing

enjoy! :)

3k words (officially my longest fic, yay!)

Every thought in Aelin's mind was blank. She trudged through her apartment that she shared with Nehemia, absentmindedly kicking off her heels that Rowan purchased for her months ago. Then the light jacket she wore joined the shoes, the fabric was perfectly soft and perfect for the autumn chill.

It was yet another piece of item that Rowan purchased for her. A lot of the things she had know were thanks to Rowan, either from his own wallet or from the biweekly allowance he sent her—a generous allowance that was a thousand times better than her weekly paycheck from the bookstore she'd been working at since she turned twenty-two; her business degree had turned out to be useless and so she turned to the bookstore that had been her stable job for three years.

Aelin barely touched her weekly wage now, it was practically buried underneath the money the Rowan gave her.

Because Rowan Whitethorn, thirty-five and a successful CEO who was well known, was her sugar daddy. Had been now for fourteen months. But he was more than that, more than just a man that paid her to spend time with him. He respected her, was loyal to her, listened to her and responded with actual sentences instead of a word or two like other men she had dated. He was charming, didn't treat her like she was nothing but arm candy, and she knew him so well, as he knew her, and each fortnight she sometimes forgot their whole arrangement, but she was sharply reminded when she received the notification from her bank that the two and a half thousand dollars that Rowan sent her was now in her savings account.

When she agreed to their arrangement after several get-to-know you dates, Rowan had wanted to give her three and a half grand every week, and gods Aelin had been tempted because she had never had so much money in her life, but told him that it was far too much and negotiated.

Two and a half thousand was the lowest that Rowan was willing to go, and even though Aelin only knew him for two weeks at that point, she could tell that he would not budge, so she agreed to the amount.

The first time that money had landed in her account, Aelin had thought that maybe she had imagined the whole thing, but the money was a sharp reminder of what she know was—a sugar baby. Those words still didn't feel like they applied to her.

And he still spent money on her when they spent time together. Just last week he gifted her with diamond earrings in the shapes of roses with a necklace to match. She wore them tonight, not because he bought them for her but because she genuinely loved the pieces.

Needing something sweet—despite the fact she had only finished her chocolate hazelnut gelato twenty minutes ago—she dug through her fridge and found the brownies that Nehemia had baked the other day. She told herself that she would leave some for her long-time friend, but Aelin really doubted that would happen.

Aelin relished in the cold air of the fridge as she found the new can of whipped cream on the top shelf. The fridge was one of the first things she purchased with the money she was now being gifted with (and after that came a new washer and dryer, a dish-washing machine and television. Almost everything in her apartment was brand new now, the food were actual brands instead of the generic, tasteless shit. She had bras that fit her properly and were so damned comfortable that she forgot she was wearing them half the time).

The old fridge was a cheap hunk of junk that she and Nehemia purchased off Facebook marketplace for a hundred dollars, it barely kept things cold, but with expensive rent and bills and general life things, Nehemia and her couldn't afford anything better.

Which was how she ended up in this situation. Picking up more shifts barely gave them anything extra, because the economy right now in Terrasen was shit. Nehemia had made a joke about needing sugar daddies, and Aelin, knowing that Nehemia could never really do such a thing, had decided that maybe it was a good idea.

Nehemia had told Aelin that she was insane for pursuing such a thing, and that she had only been joking, but Aelin was not and that she could handle herself if things went wrong.

Nehemia had told her not to do anything, but Aelin was determined and started her search. It had taken a while to find a website that was genuine and didn't make her feel like she had to scrub her eyes out with bleach.

She created her page in private, because she not only was Nehemia against the idea, but so was Elide and Lysandra—she didn't dare tell Aedion what she was doing. Her cousin could be an overprotective pain in her ass at times, and Aelin was very well aware that if Aedion caught wind of what she was doing, he would have locked her up in her room without any type of device so she couldn't go forward with her plan.

She appreciated their concern, she did, but she was a consenting, tax-paying adult, and if she wanted to use her time to get paid spending time with a rich man, then Aelin was allowed to do exactly that.

It wasn't prostitution, she had looked it up, because it was the sugar babies that had the power and so that was how it went with her and Rowan.

Aelin didn't even have sex with Rowan until it was the sixth month anniversary of her and Rowan's...relationship (and gods, it was the best sex Aelin ever had. Rowan was a generous and completely unselfish lover).

He was the first one she came across on the site and almost drooled down herself when she saw his picture. Silver hair, pine-green eyes, a beautiful tattoo down the length of his left arm and tanned skin, he was stupidly attractive and only ten years old than her.

Aelin messaged him first only after being on the site for ten minutes, deciding that surely he was the best one and that she needn't bother to look at any other candidates.

They hit it off straight away, and after deciding on a restaurant to meet at, Aelin had informed Nehemia of the matter, which she was promptly met with question after question: why can't a thirty-four year old man find someone his own age? Is he one of those men that can't date a woman five minutes older than him because of some stupid made up reason? How do you know for certain that it's him in the picture? What if he's cat-fishing you? What if he's a freak, or a killer? What if he's just pretending to be rich to kidnap you? What if, what if, what if?

And so after a heated discussion, Nehemia had come along on her date-that-wasn't-really-a-date and sat a few tables away from her and Rowan, watching them—especially him—the entire time like a hawk.

Aelin had completely forgotten that her friend was there, so enraptured by Rowan and what he did and how he saw life.

It had been fourteen months of seeing Rowan and genuinely enjoying spending time with him and weeks ago, she realised that she wanted it to be something more. That she had come to care for him, not because of the money, but purely because it was Rowan and he made her feel seen and he wasn't afraid of her, because she had once been told by an ex that she could be too much and that he couldn't handle all her baggage.

Aelin wanted a life with him.

So Aelin told Rowan she loved him when he dropped her off tonight after their dinner and a movie date, telling him how she felt, and he had said thank you. He gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek and went home, leaving behind the pine-and-snow scent of him.

Aelin really wanted to find a hole to crawl into and die.

She was scarfing down her third brownie when Nehemia's bedroom door opened, her friend clad in an old matching pj set, her slippers shuffling across the tile.

“What happened? Are you okay?” her friend asked upon seeing Aelin's guttered look. Her dark brows furrowed. “Did that bastard hurt you? If he did, I'll—”

“He didn't do anything,” Aelin interrupted her friend. Taking the food, Aelin planted herself on the teal blue velvet sofa Rowan gave her for Yulemas last year, ignoring the scent of not just him, but of them both from when he came over after work just the other day with pizza and a DVD that she insisted that she watched because it was too good not to, when they forgot all about the movie as Rowan buried himself inside her, leaving hickeys all over her neck that she had to cover up with thick concealer.

Nehemia joined her on the couch, her friend momentarily forgetting for now that she had walked in on her and Rowan just moments after they finished, muttering under her breath in Eyllwe as she glared at them defiling the couch, and gave her a look that Aelin knew that Nehemia would listen to every word that came out from her.

And when Aelin was done recounting the story, all Nehemia could come up with was, “Oh.”

“Yes, 'oh,'. I've probably fucked up the whole thing. So don't be surprised if I call you on your lunch break tomorrow telling you he's broken things off.”

“Aelin, I don't think he will. I know that I'm not the biggest fan of your...situation—”

“I'm aware,” Aelin said, cutting her friend off. “You still won't let me buy you a new mattress, even though yours is hard as a brick and lumpy as hell. I've told you that you can pay me—”

“Aelin,” Nehemia said, “we're not talking about mattresses right now. As I was saying, I doubt he'll break things off because I've seen the way he looks at you. I still think he's too old for you, but he cares for you. You probably just caught him by surprise.”

“How does he look at me?” Aelin was observant, but sometimes when she was with Rowan, all her observation skills went out the window.

“Like he loves you,” Nehemia said, no hint of doubt in her voice.

Aelin sighed, her feelings slowly starting to crush her. “I guess I'll just have to take your word for it.”

Sighing once more, Aelin put the food back in the fridge, showered and went to bed, forgoing her usual night texting ritual with Rowan.

She really wasn't looking forward to tomorrow.

X X X X X X

Rowan couldn't concentrate, which wasn't a good thing, since his job dealt with having to concentrate all the time. But no matter what mind-focusing techniques he did, he couldn't stop thinking about Aelin.

Couldn't stop thinking about how she said she was in love with him. How her beautiful eyes had been sparkling when she said those words to him. And how the light in them dimmed when he said thank you and kissed her on the cheek, telling her that he would talk to her later. But he hadn't texted her, nor did she.

I love you, Rowan. I'm in love with you.

Thank you. He really couldn't believe that was what he said. Felt like an utter fool and a bastard as he realised he probably crushed her heart. Aelin didn't like being vulnerable, and she had been when she said those words and he had gone and fucked it all up.

Rowan loved Aelin, he did, but he truly wasn't prepared for those words. He loved how on the weekends they would be up at one am, baking chocolate goodies, dancing in the quiet kitchen, humming quietly to Aelin's classical music playlist, with her wearing not the nightgowns that he loved, but one of his old hoodies.

He didn't think that he would get along with her so well once they met, thinking that their online interactions were nothing but a fluke. He was moments away from deleting the profile because he didn't actually create it, but Fenrys had, his friend grumbling that he needed a girlfriend, with Rowan arguing that creating a profile on a sugar daddy site was not dating but probably the opposite, when Aelin messaged him.

His life-long friend didn't listen, much to Rowan's annoyance—but he didn't grab his phone out of his friends hand; Rowan blamed it on the several whiskys he had downed by that point.

Aelin bewitched him on that first meet up. She was intelligent as hell and funny, and creative and beautiful. He was aware of why she was on the date with him, but he didn't care, just as long as he got to see her again.

Fourteen months later and Rowan was still bewitched. He wanted to be with her on a permanent basis, but wasn't completely sure how to take that step.

Clearly, Aelin had taken that step for them, and Rowan was the worlds biggest moron.

I love you, Rowan. I'm in love with you.

Thank you.

Groaning, Rowan turned away from his computer and looked at the skyline, ignoring the buildings to instead watch the puffy clouds drift by.

Aelin loved watching the clouds, loved stargazing, loved questioning about the universe and what the skies held.

He never really paid any of that stuff attention, not until he met her.

Rowan didn't want to lose her, didn't want her to think that he was about to break up with her over this. He had to see her, so he grabbed his keys and wallet, told his secretary to hold his calls for the rest of the day, and went to visit Aelin.

X X X X X X

It had been an usually busy day for a Wednesday and Aelin was glad for her lunch break as she trudged up to the roof of the shopping centre. She wasn't really allowed up here, but she wanted some fresh air and to feel the sun against her skin as she sat down and dug into her lunch—fast food, unfortunately for her, because she was so frazzled from last night that she completely forgot about making a pack lunch.

Rowan hadn't called her, or texted her. Not even an email had been sent her way.

Aelin hated that she felt so damned mopey. She was an independent woman, but gods, even a good morning text would have been fine.

She finished her lunch, popping several mints into her mouth to get rid of the onion taste, when the roof door crashed open and a familiar hulking figure came into view.

He must have spoken to Elide to find her here.

Aelin's brow furrowed. “Rowan, what are you doing here?” Oh gods, surely he wasn't going to break up with her, she still had hours to go; there'd be no way she could work if she had tears in her eyes.

Taking her hands in his, Aelin stood up. She steeled herself against whatever he was going to say.

“I love you, Aelin. I'm in love with you, too,” Rowan said, his eyes soft and full of genuine love. Aelin's heart shot up into her throat. “I want a life with you. I want us to buy a home, one that has warmth and character, and a big garden. I want a dog. And kids too, if you want, I know that you've never mentioned it, but if you don't want any then that is completely fine. I want to support you in whatever endeavors you want to take, and if you ever want to go back to university, then I'll support you, or if you want to find a way to use your business degree, I'll help you with that, too. Whatever you want Aelin, I'll give it to you, as long as you're by my side, I'll be happy.”

Aelin was silent for so long that Rowan thought that maybe he shocked her into silence. But eventually, she smiled, one that was dazzling in its beauty that it took his breath away.

“You love me?”

“I do, Aelin, I love you.”

She kissed his cheek. “Thank you.”

Rowan groaned at the amusement in her tone, in her eyes. “You're never going to let me live that down, are you?”

She smirked. “Definitely not. It'll be a nice story to tell our children...one day. For now, I think we should contend with being proper significant others.”

Rowan nodded, smiling. “I like the sound of that.”

“Good, because I need to get back to work, since I'm no longer accepting your allowances. I won't deny the use of your credit card, but other than that, you are no longer my sugar daddy.”

It was Rowan's turned to smirk, and it was the one that made her core clench. “How about I be 'daddy' instead?”

Aelin snorted, even as she clenched around nothing again. Smacking his arm lightly, Aelin kissed him. “Only if you behave,” she said against his lips, “and now I really need to go back to work.”

Rowan walked her back, their fingers laced together, and as she turned to say goodbye, Aelin said, “I'll see you later, daddy.”

Rowan groaned, and it took everything in him not to take her hand and into his car to have his wicked way with her.

By the time he thought of a response, Aelin was already back to work, helping a customer with an impressive stack of books in her arms.

But she knew he was still there, because the way she swayed her hips to the counter was all for him, and when she saw him watching her, Aelin winked, making Rowan's heart flutter in his chest.

He really did love her. And he would live with her teasing him for the rest of his life, just as long as she was with him.

#rowaelin #rowaelinmonth #my work

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iloveitwhen · 4 years ago

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jasonette but like siblings but like angst- like that whole trope where they are blood related and got separated, or they didnt get separated idk thats cool too i just want some sibling jasonette😅

Wow. ok. uhmmmm. this is a lot i think?? I got a little jk a lot carried away and this past week was super busy so i’ll finish the second part later??

Again... a lot...

Jason is walking home after another night at the bar when he sees a small woman, teenager? Slip into a dark alleyway and two men follow in after her a few moments later.

Jason curses and bolts across the street, what was this girl thinking? How stupid do you have to be to go into a dark alley where no one will hear you or care to help?

He jumps into the alley to find one man already slumped on himself on the floor and the other getting kicked in the teeth by army boots then falling limply.

Jason curses again, impressed this time. He scans over the men noting that they probably had pretty good concussions judging from the dent in the garbage can the first man was laying next to and the way the second guy’s head smacked onto the concrete when he fell. He lands his eyes back on the woman, no, definitely a teenager, with a smile on his face that instantly falters. The girl is in a fighting stance and waiting for him to attack so he quickly raises his hands to placate her.

“I’m not here to fight you, I saw you get followed and I was coming to help.”

“Nobody helps in Gotham,” she states, a dangerous edge to her voice that held a carefully hidden accent.

“Not from around here, are you?”

The girl narrows her eyes, “I was born and raised here, take a step further and you won’t be waking up tomorrow.”

Jason pockets his hands and smirks. He likes her, she’s a fighter, she reminds him of himself when he was younger.

“Ok. Just make sure you make it home safe. A girl’s going to get some unwanted attention at a time and place like this.” He turns around and crosses the street but as soon as he’s out of her sight he turns back and hides in the shadows to track her and make sure no one else tries to catch her alone. Just because she could handle herself the first time doesn’t mean she’s necessarily safe from the next attempt.

The girl exits the alley and starts toward the direction of Jason’s apartment calmly as if she didn’t just get attacked. At least that means less walking for him. After a few minutes she slips into another dark alley, of course she does, and Jason crosses the street again going into his own empty alley before pulling his helmet on and scaling the building. As he peers over the side of the building his helmet scans the area giving him feedback he would normally miss due to the horrible lighting and telling him that the alley was empty. He figured she had somehow gotten into one of the buildings and decided to go home by rooftops since he was already up there.

However, as he landed on the opposite rooftop his feet slipped from underneath him. Jason managed to roll out of it but before he could get his footing his hip was kicked into and he stumbled, tripped over a seemingly perfectly placed rock and smashed his head on the side of the stair house. Then, just as quickly as this all transpired, there was a body behind him, they hooked their fingers under his helmet and lifted it to expose his neck and press a knife with jagged points onto his neck. How did he know the knife had jagged points? Good question, it was, as previously mentioned, against his neck and piercing into his skin, drawing blood.

“Why are you following me?” a girl’s voice filters through his mask and he resisted the urge to roll his eyes. His mask let him know through the constant visuals that the voice belonged to a female in their late teens, not that he didn’t already know that.

“Making sure you got home safe,” he says carefully, weighing his options and trying to decide if he should let her feel like she got him or escape with a slight nick on his neck.

Eh. Jason preferred to not have a bleeding neck no matter how small the cut.

“Lies,” she hisses, digging the knife a bit deeper as a warning, maybe getting out sooner was a better idea. “What do you want?”

“Knife off my throat first,” he manages without pushing his neck further onto the blade.

A second later the girl releases him and jumps back with enough space between them to react if he ended up deciding to attack her.

Jason gives her a quick glance as he stands up, a hand to his throat to check for blood.

“I wasn’t lying-”

“You’re not fooling anyone you Red Hood wannabe,” she snaps. Jason just laughs in surprise, no one has ever accused him of being a Red Hood wannabe. He's the one who made the mantle into something to respect, something to fear. He stops laughing and levels a glare at the girl, his helmet telling him unhelpfully there was no match of facial recognition in any database.

“I am Red Hood-” he started to growl out but she cut him off again. The audacity.

“Red Hood wouldn’t have been caught by the person he was trailing, Red Hood wouldn’t have been caught off guard, Red Hood doesn’t have a stupid streak of white hair on his head. He may have been a theatre nerd but he wouldn’t do that.”

Wait what.

“What are you talking about?” But it was more of a demand than a question.

“You’re not…” she trailed off waving her hand in the air trying to find a word, “slick. Same jacket, same shoes, same build, yeah. You’re not fooling anyone.”

“Ok. Whatever, I’m going home.” He turns and starts jogging across the rooftop towards home. So much for helping out.

“Where is he?” she calls out after him.

“Right here, princess,” he spat before jumping to the other rooftop.

But as soon as his feet leave the building a big dark blue warbly hole appears and swallows him before he can react. Unfortunately for him the other side of that weird black hole was a face full of concrete.

“Prove you’re him.”

Oh this girl was something else. Jason shakes his disorientation away, he didn’t know how she did that, nor did he care but he was pissed. He swings his foot around and connects with her ankle, she falls as expected but easily bounces right back up and hops out of his range.

“Do that again and I’ll have to break my no killing kids rule,” he growls out, staring her down for a moment. Her face was finally lit by the dim yellow street lamps and he could see the entirety of her face and all the raw emotions she was trying to hide. For a split second familiarity passed through him, like when you see someone at the library then at the store a few weeks later or you see an old school friend ten years later and can’t quite place them. Jason dismisses the feeling and turns to go.

“Wait.” She says it so vulnerably that Jason gives her a chance, when he turns she pulls up her sleeve and shows off her forearm.

In the center of her arm is a faded black tattoo that was a writing symbol, but because of its name and one of its uses it was used to brand child soldiers in Gotham from a particular gang that Red Hood obliterated as soon as his first order of business in Gotham.

‡

It was the double dagger, or better known in Gotham as the death dagger. The children were expendable although highly trained and dangerous, they could give Damian a run for his money in the child assassin department. The tattoo was a reminder to the children and to the people they came across that they were soulless, emotionless, their lives and actions were not their own and they would give their lives willingly for the mission

Meaning who they were before was dead. No family, no connections, no one would notice if they went missing and no one would be able to identify their bodies if and when the time came. Sometimes poor families would sell one of their children and promise to forget them and to never contact them.

Jason was led to assume that this was another child soldier looking to thank him, or kill him. It was 50/50 these days, some of those kids just never recovered.

“So what is it that you want? You want my autograph across your head?” Jason asks dryly.

The girl just huffs and pulls her sleeve back down.

“I want to know if my brother is underneath that mask.”

I want to know if my brother is underneath that mask.

The words struck Jason deep in his chest but it only fueled his anger. He didn’t know why that hit so deep but he was not in the mood for this nor would he be at any time.

“Just because I ended that gang doesn’t mean we’re family. Go find your other assassin siblings to play house with.”

“Annette,” she calls after as he turns his back again. A strike of familiarity pulses through him and when he hesitates she continues, “that was my name before I was initiated. I was one of the first. Daddy’s little girl,” she was still talking louder than necessary since he hadn’t turned back around. “I’m the only one left from The 13.”

Right. The 13. That’s what everyone called the first batch even as they were killed off, they were the most ruthless being the oldest and were also the most aggressive in proving their worth. It was common to find a number from 1-13 placed strategically behind at the crime scene, whoever had the most successful missions would be highly rewarded, or so he was told.

“Do you remember?”

“I remember destroying that gang and their stupid leader and having to kill some of your little friends and I also remember The 13 died within the first year and a half and were easily replaced by their younger friends.”

“Do you remember me?”

“Look, kid,” he finally turns to look at her, “I don’t care, ok? Yay whoopdeedoo I saved you, get in line. It’s what I do, kill bad people and let the rest walk away. You’re not special.”

“Annette Marie Todd,” she says hurriedly, like it’s a last resort. “Jason Peter Todd,” she continues, “just you. Me. And a blitzed out Mom.”

Jason did not like this, he knew the Dagger Children were ruthless and expert manipulators but this was pushing it. He spun around to face her, ripping off his helmet, she already knew what he looked like and it was in the way of his death glare.

“You don’t know who you are messing with. If you really were a Dagger you’d know that I am not one to be fucked with.” He slides his helmet back on and without a backward glance he runs off to the next roof and continues home. Thankfully not another portal thing opens up in front of him.

———————————

Jason didn’t have a sister. He did not have a sister. He would remember having a sister. He would remember having a Dagger for a sister. But Annette was such a familiar name. And she had said her name was Annette Marie Todd. Todd.

No that’s stupid. Impossible. She was just messing with him, for all he knew she could have been subtly showing her face in random places for him to react to the familiarity of her face and she could have said the name sometime in the last few months for him to vaguely recognize the sound of her name but not place it.

But the Lazarus pit did alter his memories from childhood, it was like looking through a fog of red anger, or maybe it was always like that even before the pit, and it also completely wiped out other parts of his memory. But a sister? No. No way.

Hours of this, circling around the possibilities and shifting around on his bed trying to get comfortable until he finally drifted off in a very restless sleep.

Jason found himself in a familiar apartment, the one he lived in before his “mother” died. He looked around and it was more of the feeling of familiarity that convinced him where he was than anything else. He steps aside for a younger version of himself to run by him and turns to the window that led out to the fire escape and watches him climb out of it and close the window. Jason turns back around to see what Young Jason was hiding from. A man hands a thick envelope to his mother, Catherine Todd who had wrapped herself in a thin silk robe, her bony frame visible as well as her happy focus on the money inside that envelope. Jason couldn’t make out the man’s face but he turned around and grabbed the small hand of a little girl in pigtails. She turned her head and faced the window sending a smile but he couldn’t quite make out her face so he instead turned to himself sitting outside.

As he turned his surroundings changed but in his dreamstate he paid no mind to it. This time he was standing in an aisle of a store as a child. He looked around and found his mother dressed embarrassingly in a thin tank top and ragged jeans and flip flops. He feels a squeeze of his hand and looks down, his little sister is looking up at him and pointing to a rack of stuffed animals of Clifford the Big Red Dog that were suddenly there. He sends her a smile and looks up, intent on catching up with his mother and asking her to buy one but as he chases her his intent slips from his mind and instead he wants to taste the cupcakes he just saw. He opens a case and takes a bite but yelling makes him turn around and there is Batman towering over him. Instead of a tasty cupcake he is holding something thick and metal, a crowbar. He throws it at the man and turns to run away and jumps out of the parking garage and jumps into the air flying up. But he’s too slow, he tries kicking and swimming in the air to propel himself further away from Batman but a hand wraps around his foot.

Jason jerks awake, breathing heavy and feeling uncomfortably hot. This was much more mild than his usual nightmares, if it could even be called a nightmare, but it was bad in a different way. It wasn’t unusual for Jason to be getting chased in his dreams by one thing or another and it always ended before whatever or whoever was chasing him got him but it was getting a little old honestly.

His head was pounding so he slipped out of bed and poured himself a glass of water from the kitchen. As he takes a sip he recalls his dream and how he had looked down at his sister. But that couldn’t be right.

A searing pain in his head forces him to tighten his grip on his cup before it goes away again. Stupid head. Stupid dream. Stupid girl trying to get in his head.

As he lays back down a memory of clear grey eyes flashes across his mind’s eye.

---

Throughout the next few days Jason tries to ignore the headaches and his dreams of the young black haired girl with grey eyes and of getting chased which was more frequent and more urgent than he remembered them being. It was just all a big waste of time. At least the Dagger girl wasn’t trying to find him anymore, he didn’t know how he would react if she showed up again.

After another dream of getting chased, this time he was just so tired of it he got a few good punches in on the Bane/Joker demon that was chasing him when his phone buzzes, startling him awake. He ignores it in favor of a cup of coffee and checks the time on the oven that he never uses, it’s almost two o’clock.

His phone buzzes again several more times in quick succession. He finally heads over and clicks his phone on to see five messages from Stephanie.

Replacement’s replacement🤰

so u have a little sister and u never told me???

anyways shes at the big house and getting interrogated by bruce and i think hes ready to adopt her

hello

so rude

i mean it looks to me shes tellin the truth but like seems sus for obvious reasons and ur the only one that'll actually know so… hurry up??

Jason curses and rushes to grab his things before running outside and zooming to the Wayne Manor on his motorcycle.

welp i’ll add with another part soon that i havent finished yet but anywho let me know if jason is too ooc or something😁😁

#sibling jasonette #maribat #this is real late #sorry about it #is it angsty??#im not that great at angst #also tumblr was not letting me use the cool version of that symbol #just rude #btw I edited this feb.23 just so you know but not very big changes #i dont know if you care or not

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billionairesitgirl · 4 years ago

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Do you have any tips to help someone who keeps failing? I have been trying for several years now to get started and feeling more and more hopeless every year. I have attended $$$ events, lost weight, moved closer to major cities. Then of course COVID struck and made things worse. Is there something I can do that can help me gain an "in" or are certain things just not meant for some girls.

KEEP TRYING !!!

Yes i screamed it... but that’s because thats the most important thing in succeeding.

Secondly Congrats on taking the steps and trying.....

(THIS MIGHT MAKE MAKE YOU NEUROTIC.... If you already are then DO NOT DO THIS)

The following is also important

1.) Have you asked your self why you keep failing?

Take a pen and paper and spend an entire day by yourself. Think, play things over in your head and Analyze.... This is probably the only time i truly suggested, over analyzing the crap out of your life, decisions, faliures and successes.

(a) What mistakes, do you keep making? or What mistakes do you think you keep making.

(b) what makes them mistakes

(d) who and/or what would this action work on

2.) List your obstacles ... Every single one you could think of...

Make 3 categories

.....Obstacles you have gone through - What caused it? who caused it? (Regardless of who caused it... You owe some responsibility... so still own up to it... But remember BE KIND to yourself...)

There is a fine line between being kind to yourself and completely absolving yourself of any responsibility when owning up to the responsibility of things gone wrong

......Obstacles repeated - How do you NOT repeat this Again?

.......Obstacles Imagined and Obstacles that could still happen (based on different things, character flaws, finances, men’s personalities, race, looks, nature) Get as detailed as needed.

Man plans and God unplans ...

However, as humans we have ability to at least create contingencies... try to come up with possible contingency plan and POSSIBLE action on how to still not stand still when one of those obstacles appear... Basically figure out another way to scale through, wiggle through, swim through... whatever way (As long as there is life, health and will... there is a way.... After all people have clawed out of dungeous using only a stick or even their finger nails)

3.) What have you tried that didnt work? or keeps failing... List it

4.) What ever #3 is that didnt work... What is the alternative that you haven’t tried.

5.) Clearly you see this as an investment if you have lost weight, moved etc... What is missing in the picture? (I don’t know you, nor have I spent time with you or know your thinking process or views... So this is something even if you dont know what is missing... You have to sit and think... Sleep on it, give it time but remain introspective but be mindful to know when clarity presents itself.

Being brutally Honest with yourself is the only way to know what is missing and where you are missing.

Example: I met a gorgeous black girl A few months ago. From the get go, I knew she was hypergamous... The men also knew. But there was something missing and i couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Until we were all talking with the men present.

She carried herself as a pretty girl, sweet and bubbly... But she made the mistake of trying to emulate the white woman’s countenance... So she could be doted on same as a white woman... I can’t explain this in detail.

But while it is good to emulate things noteworthy in other people... She lost her self and her own personal spark. As a black woman... She avoided the pitfalls of a stereotypical black woman (quote on quote)... in the process, she mistakenly lost her goddess quality and blended in with the rest. The men moved on from her.

My Point is: WHAT IS MISSING... Are your run of the Mill? What is your core

6.) Standard -

Do you have set standards? expectations of yourself and of the Men and of your surroundings?

Do you keep it? Do you up hold it or do you switch or lower it under pressure?

Not to give too much information... I refused to live in the poor neighborhood when i moved off college campus. I lived in a condo and lived Smack in the center of the wealthy part of the city. I was not in this lifestyle then... But it was simply my standards... And even though it meant staying on campus longer till i got it... I did that.

Example 2: I have friends who do not care what hole they enter to get entertained (granted you can meet people anywhere)... But I am not the type that goes out very often... So why will i waste my few outings in some frat boys bar or club. So I go to high end places.

Example 3: I met a man who recently sold his company with upwards of $80 Million... I wasn’t told... I was aware of the process and listened to him through the proceess complain about delay in the closing and trying to avoid tax etc

He was deperate to meet me in person. As a matter of fact the day he closed. He flew me to his city (I went cause i was bored). Long story Short... He is the type of man that got lucky... There isn’t much in terms of comparison... Thinks he knows everything, thinks himself black people’s savior and makes comments such as “If there were black women like you”... Has some racists views he doesn’t think is racists... I met his friends... I liked one (But he just recently got remarried and was the smartest of the bunch). They had pissing games who had thr most rolex collection etc... He was crazy about me... Still is even without so much as a kiss and i spent a weekend there. (Had my own hotel room)

But, I knew while the money was there, he was generous and was crazy about me... It would drive me nuts being with him and interacting with his friends... My standard here is that I won’t deal with any man who so much as stresses me mentally especially as I am a black woman... I won’t take nonsense.

My Point is : What do you compromise on that you do? It is a long road being steadfast to your standard... But it has been worth it for me.

Do not use anyone’s standard... Create your own and work on keeping it... Men will despise you for it... But respect you all the same.... It is a weird placed to be.

7.) What type of events do you attend. When you attend events, go out etc... What do you do? How do you approach these events? Do you wing it? Do you plan it? Are you fearless and confident or shy or just pleasant enough to exchange pleasantries alone? What vibe do you give off?

How do you dress? Different styles can come across different ways... Some ooze Sexy, some ooze elegance with a hint of sexy, some basic, some regular, some say just another event person

8.) Closer to Major cities : what part of that do you live? Even if you are not in the center of things... Where do you go when you go out? How often to do go to wealthy areas, who do you interact with there?

There is a plethora of questions who have to ask yourself.

With Covid I have met people (but then, I work for myself and have more freedom to move around and also take mini vacation in other cities) And I already have a network... So, I have a leg up -

But, I know girls here and people are also still meeting people.

What is stopping you? What avenues and methods have you tried? Have you thought outside the box?

Hopeless? No... Wrong direction... As you fail you learn things that dont work so that should make you hopeful.

Also, I am a big beliver in manifestation and law of attraction. Feeling hopless will only make things more hopless...It will attract more faliure...

Find ways to think more positively, ways to turn negative things into potentially positive things... In this case you do not have to be rational... Imagine everything negative happening has a positive...

e.g : A man cancelled on you = It wasn’t meant to be... It might have turned into a terrible situation for you... Thank God or the universe for saving you from whatever it is you arent aware of.

eg : Covid happening : Time to make more money, invest. Brush yourself up, level up some more, learn new ways to meet this men and become more resilient so you come out fire when, the world isnt tupsy turvy

e.g : Getting older: Perfect, the more sure and certain you become in yourself, the more you actually find out what makes you stand apart, the more you find out who you are and realize that whatever amount a man was going to give you last year, you’ve outgrown it with age, maturity, acheivements etc.

You get the gist.... NEVER FEEL HOPELESS

You can feel sad... But not hopeless... Dust yourself up and try again...

Maybe one day i will take time out to share some of my own short comings and faliures... Cause i think we share the successes much more; that people think there aren’t mistakes and faliures and short comings... I have had them, and I continue to work and fix them.

The only thing is after my introspection... and brow beating myself and figuring it out...i don’t like to dwell on the faliures... I put my self to work updating myself. Besides I think sharing more good news brings more good news and vibes... But, there isn’t anyone that can claim to not have had obstacles and faliures.

Finally: My sister beleives everyone has a destiny... But everyone is also capable of changing theirs...

With regards to your question... About certain type of girls ...

The Answer is NO...

Some people might find it harder, or lack the resources and know how

But trying, pushing ones self, acquiring knowlegde and doing whatever it takes (of course within reason and comfines of morality ) Is what makes the difference.

As i write... I know women who took their entire savings to go to ST Barts for New Year... (Would I? NO) But some would... My point is.

You will go as far as you are capable of seeing yourself go.

So if you want a change in your pattern... You have to break the wheel... Try something new you haven’t tried yet... And a new approach.

Question for you: “Gain an in?” Into what circle do you want an in? What type of man

#hypergamy, #datingtips #sugardatingtips #sugardatingadvice #levelup #levelupadvice #sugardatingtip #sugardating

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maccreadysimp · 4 years ago

Text

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

#mine #shameless #ian gallgher #gallavich #mickey milkovich #text post

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keigoloveminty · 4 years ago

Text

Diamond

Plot: After getting her heartbroken for 6th times, y/n is finally done and decided to not even bother finding another one, she has more options than she thinks she has

Pairing/s: Hawks x Reader, Izuku x reader, Todoroki x reader, Shinsou x reader, Dabi x reader, Shigaraki x reader, Genten x reader, Aizawa x reader

All characters are aged up to 25+

Warning: Mafia Au, LOV crew is soft to reader,(No Yandere’s just jealous and angry exes :>), also this is me not continuing my other fanfics-- please I just wanna finish it without having another idea again HAHAHHAHA (I have to finish a request as well :’>)

You weren't sure what you’ve done in the past month now, you’ve just got your heartbroken-- again and for the 6th time now. You didn’t know what to do so you just laid there in bed starring at the window that showed you it was broke daylight and here you were, covered in your huge fluffy blanket with blood shot eyes from crying last night, your eyes were still watery and a bit scratchy be honest. You really want to just get up and get ready for the day but you were starring at the window for the past 3 hours now, you woke up exactly at 5am and it was now 9:20 am, you’ve heard your phone go off a lot of times and made you irritated that you turned off your phone and setting up an alarm clock to wake you up early. You’ve just moved to your new place a couple weeks ago, for a normal person it would've took them months to get settled into a new space but due to your connections with Shigaraki, you both were very close and whenever you had a break-up you’ll always end up in his apartment picking up a new place for you and your shop to relocate at. You and Shigaraki go way back to grade school along with his friend named Dabi if you remembered correctly but you both didn't see each other everyday and if you did you guess he had time off from the ‘Family business’ he would always say to you. You didnt want to push the subject any further so you just nodded and never brought the subject up, you couldn't help but try to guess what family business you thought he had so you made it a personal goal to guess what kind of job he had.

When you told him if he has a job that sold houses-- considering he would help you find one to your liking within a few hours of looking and then making sure there was someone to buy your old house and transferred the money to your account. All the houses were within your budget since your shop was really successful and you were glad you had something to distract you and keep you busy whenever you were going through a heartbreak, all the sweet and sugary things you baked and made made you temporarily forget the sadness but it takes times for you to heal on your own but as soon as you've had you 3rd break up you kind off found a few ways to heal. You were always the one who would confess first and the first one to get heartbroken as well, sometimes you didn’t know why or what have you done to even get dumped in the first place because you always made sure not upset them in any way. If they needed space then you would give them time to breath but then after days of not talking to them to give them space they were suddenly throwing themselves to another person and dumping you the next days, so whenever you fought with your partner you were already ringing up Shigaraki to find you a new place and reserving it for you.

You’ve moved to a lot of places with your parents back when they were still with you but now that they weren't with you since they died peacefully, you kept the shop that both of your parents build up and kept the business up and going. Shigaraki was always there by your side whenever you called and if not your both would talk to each other through the phone for hours until one of you has to go, you were always happy to talk to him whenever he had to vent up something when something happens in his ‘Family Business’. Back to the topic of this ‘Family Business’, there were months of you not meeting Shigaraki since he had to fly somewhere far from Japan which mean he had a different time zone than you. Dabi was a second option to hangout with but he was always not available every time you tried to call and tell him to hangout with you but whenever he did he would come in clothed fully for top to bottom, you guess it was because he had to cover the scars from his past that you refrained from asking him too much, back then he would always have his arms wrapped in bandages to school. When you would ask him he would always brush it off as ‘I fell down a stairs’ or ‘I accidentally used my quirk too much’ and you did know when he used his quirk it would cause his whole body to heat up causing his skin to be burned, Cremation is his quirk, a blue flame-- the hottest part of any flame. He always told you how much he didn’t really have a good relationship with his father and that he would always say that he’d one day leave his house and just crash with Shigaraki, you nod at this as you applied a clean bandage over his arms carefully.

In this current day of age, half of the people who had quirks were called special people and those who don't have a quirk were called quirkless people and at covered least 60% of the population while the other half were people with quirks. As soon as people with different types of quirks arise it shock the whole nation and caused both side to drift apart which cause chaos, the other side tried to fight and fend off the side that had quirks which didn’t ended well. As truce, an organisation was built to control people who would use their quirks for power, people with quirks who didn’t had the same idea with the idea of over throwing the people who didn’t had quirks went against their own kind and protected the ones who didn’t have quirks. So naturally they were praised by people and would call them ‘Heroes’ but that still wasn't enough seemingly as the people who had stronger quirks were on the other side, they called those people of that side Mafia’s or Yakuza’s. They didn’t like the thought of the government controlling them so they went against them, the world of mafia’s was something unknown to you and it wasn't like you didnt know them but you somewhat wanted to know what their world looked like. It’s hard to even spot someone who work is basically selling guns, drugs, killing people or anything that's deemed illegal. You were curious but you never tried to even look for one so you tend to just keep away from alley ways or even night outs since you’ve been told that it was dangerous out night, you got that from Shigaraki and Dabi as well as your other friends that you’ve befriended.

You were curious but you were not stupid enough to even seek out let alone coincidentally stumble upon one and you did not want that to happen, another ring sounds through the whole room and you looked at your table side. You reached out and grabbed it looking at the name, the brightness of your phone illuminating your whole face

Keigo Takami

You sighed and silenced your phone, you should changed your sim card and made sure to just save the ones you needed to save, you either have to tolerate your phone ringing every now and then, get a new phone and sim card or just completely destroy this phone and just get a new one but you didn’t want the hassle of buying a new phone anyway. You pushed the blanket off your whole body and stretched your arms and got off the bed and went straight to the bathroom and freshen up, there were still a lot of unpacked boxes that littered around the apartment some open some still sealed closed. You tipped toed around the boxes scattered around and finally you got to your bathroom, you flipped the lights on and looked at yourself through the mirror. You furrowed your eyebrows as you looked at the state you were in, you sighed and turned on the faucet to wash your face and remove whatever dirt was on your face. After that you ran a warm shower, being generous with the shampoo for your long hair, scrubbing your scalp then rubbing the ends of your hair, next is conditioner. You washed off the conditioner then grabbed a loofa and scrubbed off all the dead skin, you washed your whole body then turning the shower off, you grabbed the towel from the counter and wrapped it around your body, blow dried your hair then stepped out of the room to find something to wear. You walked in front of your closet and just grab what ever you see first, you grabbed a medium sized polo-- your guessing it was from Dabi sleeping over for awhile and forgot to bring it back with him-- and a high waisted shorts. You weren't sure if you’ll step outside from your apartment since you weren't even finish putting the shop up, arranging your cooking appliances downstairs from your three story building-- thank Shigaraki for giving you such nice places to stay at.

At first you were a bit skeptical of choosing this place but Shigaraki told you this one had a lot more room and floors for you to decorate and do whatever you want. The building was three stories high, on the first floor you had your bakery shop, on the second floor is where your home is with plenty of and on the third floor is the roof top. You haven’t started any decorating on the roof top you might just use it as a place just to chill and maybe just plant some flowers or maybe vegetables and fruits or maybe you’ll just put up a table and a couple of chairs for you to just chill there whenever you feel like you need to take a break. The rent for this building was reasonable enough for to rent it, due to the money your receiving from your ‘distant relatives’, you’ve never talked to them all you had was a two credit cards where they sent you more than enough money to spend on something every month. If your lucky they might send you twice the amount next month or send more money on the 3rd week of each month, that's all the connection you had with them you didn’t even know where they even live so as much as you want to thank them for being so generous in sending you money. You sat in front of your vanity and grabbed you brush and started brushing your long silky hair, after you ran your finger through your hair you picked up a hair tie and put your hair up in a high ponytail, you placed your brush down making sure pull out the hairs that were stuck in the brush and threw it straight to the trash. You looked on the table searching for any accessory that you could wear, moving both your hands to searching for anything, after looking around your eyes locked on a slick black box. You reached for it and opened it slowly, the box held a precious Diamond crystal necklace and two diamond earrings in heart form, you picked the earrings up and decided to just wear that. That was a gift from Shigaraki for your 24th birthday last year, you smiled at the memory and stood up from your seat and fixed some of your baby hairs that framed your face, you looked at the time 11:20 am. You sighed and smiled and raised both of your arms,”Okay! Its time to finish the shop!”

---

You swiped the sweat that formed on your forehead as you carried the last box of your baking ingredients to the back, the shop was just about ready to open since Dabi finished putting up all the table and chairs, the small vases on the table, the picture frames, set up the display glass that will show case your delicious sweets and lastly your cash register. Meanwhile you were working at the back placing where all the cooking utensils, bowls, mixers will be, Dabi also help you with that once he was done in the front. You placed all the last ingredients, you did one look around the place and let out a happy sigh and leaned back on the marbled table,”You certainly finished all work now did ya’ doll?”, you let out a scream and looked at the direction where the voice was. You let a breath of relief when you saw who it was,”Dabi can't you please tell me when you decide to visit me? I could've hit you with a spatula..”, you crossed your arms in front of you and pouted looking at him. Dabi rolls his eyes and zips down his black hoodie,”I thought you got used to me popping up now and then, sorry about that doll”, his nickname to you back in high school, you liked it so you didnt complain. “You need something? I could bake your favourite dessert if you want?”, You asked him as you walk to get the ingredients, he stops you by reaching your arm and grabbing it softly. You looked at him with a questioning look,”Hm? What is it, Dabi?”, you turned you whole body to face him, he looks straight into your e/c eyes with his teal eyes. His eyes narrows his eyes when he picks up those almost unnoticeable eye bags as moves closer to your face, you noticed he was starring too much at you, you turned you head away not noticing a small smirk from Dabi but quickly as it came it disappeared into a small frown,”Sorry I could've been there to comfort you its just that.. my job called me right the time I thought I had a day off”, he apologises. His hand that was on your arm slowly slides up to cup you cheeks, his thumb caresses you soft cheek, you leaned into his soft touch and closed your eyes.

Dabi smiles and gentle pulls your head to rest into his warm embrace, your arms wrapped around his waist as you hurried you face into his chest as he pats your head. You smiled feeling warm and cozy in his arms, because of Dabi’s quirk his whole body was warm and you really liked it,”As much as I like you hugging me, wanna get out if here and just walk around the city?”, he asks you. You looked up to look at him,”Sure! I plan on checking the area out anyways before the sun come down and I have to retreat back to my bed”, you moved away from him gesturing Dabi to follow you to the front of the shop, he follows right behind you to the front door. You switch off the light in the shop and closed the door and locked it, putting the keys away you looked at Dabi who had his hoodie up and zipped up to his mouth. You smiled and jogged to his side and matching his pace,”So where do you want to go? I’m pretty new to this area and I heard from Shigraki that you guys live around this area, I’m hearing a sleepover”, You happily jumped and nudge your elbow on Dabi’s arm. Dabi gives you a side eyes look and rolls his eyes playfully,”I don't mind but my job lovesss love calling me whenever I'm relaxing and its my day ooff”, Dabi held his hands up to his chest and lets out a “enthusiastic” ‘yay’ that made you laugh. That being said you didn’t know what Dabi’s job is either, you didn’t know Toga’s, Bubugiwara’s, Miss Magne’s, She Astuhiro-- you knew none of what their job was but you do know what Shigaraki’s job and thats basically it. You’ve asked them a lot of times but all you got was--

“My job? How silly n/n-chan, a woman never tells her secrets”, Toga replies grinning looking at you,’ehehehe.. a stripper maybe?’, you brushed off the thought and just nodded

“Eh? My job? Hmm I dint think you should know Yeah! A precious gem like you shouldn’t know! Dont want you to be tainted cause Shigaraki might have our head! Soowwyy precious diamond!”,Bubugiwara and his other half says,’He cant tell me.. and Shigaraki might have his head? what does he mean by that?’, you just gave a short nod and sipped on your f/d drink.

“Hm, my job you say. Sorry sweetheart but I cant tell you that, as much as I want to, Dia. My job is quite complicated I dont want you to get into my mess”, Miss Magne says as she pats your head and hands you a creampuff,”Wanna try my latest flavour though? I heard you love strawberries!”, she smiles. You returned the smile and took a bite from the creampuff and tasting the strawberry flavour,’So Magne won't tell me as well, what does she mean by ‘I dont want you to get into my mess’??’, you smiled back at her,”I love it!! Please teach me how to make this creampuffs!”, Miss Magne is the one that teaches you how to cook desserts and give you new ideas

“I’m not telling Y/n, even if you bother me everyday..”, Genten says sipping on his hot chocolate, you pouted and crossed your arms looking at him with a dejected expression,”Not even a hint?”, you pressed on waiting for his answer. You looks at you with his silver eyes,”...No”, you slumped down the couch he sat on till your legs hit the floor,”Ughhh... none of you guys tell me what your job iisss, is your job that scary that might scare me?”, you asked again looking at Geten again. You both starred at each other for a whole minute, Genten was the first to look away,”No comment..”, you let out another grumble crossing your arms

“My sweet Diamond, i’am afraid I can not tell you what my job it”, you let out a loud groan,”You too Atsu-kun? What does a girl like me have to do to know what your jobs are...”, you pouted slumping your arms on top of the table. He laughs as he cooks a sip from his tea,”Shigaraki has told me you’ve asked the whole group, its a good thing he told us all”, you looked up to his face lazily and twitched your eyes clearly annoyed,”All I know is Shigaraki’s job..”, you looked to your side hiding your annoyed expression. Atsuhiro flinched at this but you didnt saw this,”.. which is selling houses”, he breaths out not knowing he held his breath. You looked back at him with an eyebrow raised,”This tea is absolutely Devine!”, you looked at him straight face. “.. ... you always order the same tea Atsu--” “Devine!!”

“Heyyy Dabi! I was wondering if--”, before you could finish your sentence, Dabi presses his forehead against yours,”Not telling, Doll”, he sings the word doll. You pulled yourself backwards, your face flushing red. “I haven’t even finished yet!!”, You shake on his shoulders, he shrugs and just pats your head,”You want an answer?”, you shook your head up and down trying to not to look too excited. He grabs your shoulder and moves his face close to your ear,”I strip my clothes for money--”, Your whole body froze. Face getting red each second, he pulls back to look at you, he pulls back laughs at your expression,”O-oh.. okay then..”, Dabi hunches his body forwards holding his stomach, slapping his thigh,”I’m joking Doll, also not telling”, you hit his head with an angry expression.

Those were all the responses they gave you were all the same, they would not answer you nor give you a hint but rather something that gave it away. With those evidences you could try to piece things together to find your answer, you were suddenly pulled out of thoughts when you felt Dabi tapped your shoulder. You looked up to face him,”We’re almost near a cafe, it looks packed too but I heard the sold really good crepes too, in all kinds of flavours as well”, he says pulling you to the cafe takin the open seat outside the cafe. You both sat down and wait for a waiter to give you a menu, as quickly as you both sat a waiter comes up and gives you a menu,”Hello there and well some to Sweet Parade, My names Mary and I'll be your waitress for this afternoon. I shall comeback shortly to take your order”, She places both menu’s down in front of you both, bowed and walked away. You picked up the menu and scanned each dish, moving on to the next page, then the next page, next, next-- you got to the end of the menu and placed it down then closed it. You looked back at Dabi who was struggling to even pick what he wanted to order,”You still looking?”, you asked him, he grumbles out flipping to the next page. “The letters are so small, there's too many things in the menu, can’t choose anything..”, he says as he flips to the next page. You opened your menu again and asked him,”What are you craving right now?”, you asked him. Dabi closes the menu and looks at you with a smirk,”I’m pretty sure you know what I want, we’ve been friends for so long. Right now I guess I’m craving something hot and cheesy and something fizzy to wash all that grease down--”, as soon as he says that, your eyes shined a faint red. You scanned each page reading each letter, trying to match Dabi’s preference, not staying more than 10 seconds on each page you flipped to the next page.

You then closed the menu again and told him the food that might match his preference,”They pizza in different flavours on page 5 and a couple of fizzy drinks in the last page--”, you looked at him, you original e/c eyes shined. Dabi smirks at this and rests chin on his hand,”What kind of flavours and what fizzy drinks?”, you narrowed your eyes at this and sighed. You opened your mouth sand told him all the flavour the cafe had in detail and the drinks as well, Dabi’s eyes weren't on you but rather behind the servers who looked at you with eyes wide as plates when they heard you recite the dishes when you just glanced at each page for a brief moment,”--and lastly they have sprite, coke and Diet Coke. Now are we ready to order? I’m kinda hungry”, you huffed and crossed your arms. Dabi gestures the waitress to get their orders. She quickly walks to your table taking your order,”Hello there again, are we ready to place your orders?”, Dabi waves his hands fro you to go first,”Thank you, I’ll have the strawberry crepe and strawberry milkshake please”, you told her, she juts down your order then looks at Dabi,”I’ll have your pepperoni pizza and a coke-- not diet”, you giggled at this and playfully rolled your eyes. The waitress hums and writes down her paper,”Okay, your orders will be up in 30 minutes or less”, she bows done and left with your orders. Dabi leans back and groans,”30 minutes? I’am not leaving a tip..”, you laughed and looked at the people walking around the cafe, its was 4 pm and at this time people were leaving their work to either go home or just hangout around with friends or family. “By the way.. you free tonight doll?”, you turned your head to Dabi. “Well now that the shops done I guess I'm free but I wont be opening my doors till next week cause I’ll have to wake up early for that”, you say tilting your head to the side

“Why the sudden question?”, you asked him. Dabi makes eye contact with you for a second looks at the large glass window of the cafe,”Theres a party-- a real fancy party thats going to be held in a large indoor venue and I want you to go with me. Its totally fine if you dont want to though..”, his voice got quiet till the end but you could still hear him. He looks at your expression to see if you would agree and soon enough he saw your eyes had stars, he must be seeing things,”A fancy party?! I've never been to those kinds of things-- wait is this part of your job? Is it? Is it?!”, you stood up from your seat both hands on the table and leaned forward to Dabi. Dabi clears his throat and tells you to sit down, you sat down pushing your chair forwards waiting for his reply,”Some parts of it IS my job, so you wanna go or what--”, you slammed your hands on the table,”YES!! I wanna go, I wanna go, I wanna go--”, you chanted looking at him with eyes shining. Dabi holds his hand up, you stopped and looked at him,”Okay then, You better eat fast then cause the party’s is at 7pm and the venue is pretty far”, you nod at this nearly jumping out of your seat again. You begun thinking what should you even wear at the party-- wait you have to ask him that,”Wait- how exactly were you invited to this party? Also what should I wear?”, you asked him. “First, Shigaraki was suppose to tell you this but he has shit to get done for his Family business--”

‘There's that word again-- wait Shigaraki?? Did his employer invited him to their party??’,You raised an eyebrow looking at Dabi,”Shigaraki? who's holding the party Dabi?”, you asked, Dabi rolls his eyes at this,”Its Shigaraki doll, he’s.. job gets him to places I guess..”,he says he shift his eyes to your side. “Also our orders are here now”, you looked behind you and saw a serve with your orders. “Here you go Maam, Sir. Please enjoy your order”, you thanked the server and looked at your strawberry crepe and strawberry milkshake. You looked towards Dabi’s order that almost took the whole table,”You.. going to finish that--”

“Every last bite of it”

---

You sat in front of the vanity doing your make up, Dabi went back to his apartment to get suited up for the occasion and said he’ll pick you up around 6pm. You were doing a simple make up since Dabi told you not to glam up too much,”Okay.. then some red lipstick blended outwards for a gradient effect”, you blended it out with a lip brush. Curled your lashes and put mascara on, a light blush on your cheeks, you smiled as you looked at your work through the mirror. You were wearing a the Diamond necklace and the earrings from what you've wore earlier, you wore a short dress that huge your body tight was covered in gems with a plunging v-neck and spaghetti straps tied at your neck. You didnt know what do to with your hair and since the dress was open at the back you might want to stick close to Dabi,”Well aren't you looking dolled up, you look hella sexy doll”, you wipped your face to look behind you, you sighed as it was just Dabi,”Seriously Dabi? Again? I didnt here the door open--”, you blushed as you looked at him, he wore a dark blue dress pants, black vest, white buttoned up sleeves and a red neck tie,“You look... amazing”,you looked away rubbing your arms. Dabi throws his coat on the bed and grabs your arm,”I’ll do your hair, you have a curler with you?”, he lets you sit in front of your vanity again. You pointed at the third drawer, he reaches for the third drawer and pulled out the curler and plug it in, as it was heating up he grabs the brush and brushes the tangles, he bunches up the hair for a high ponytail like what your had earlier. He tightens the hair tie and grabs the curler and curls the ends softly once he was done he grabs some of the hair behind the ponytail and used it to cover the hair tie and pins it down.

He uses a bit of hairspray to keep the baby hairs down, he takes a step back and admires his work,”Perfect.. you have your shoes on?”, he asks you. You stood up and walked to your closet,”Yup! Its right at the bottom of the closet--”, Dabi stops you and tells you to sit down,”Actually I have something to match that outfit, finally”, he brings out a black shoebox. You eyes widen as he opens it, its a 4 inch heel covered in gems that probably cost three times more than the money you received from your distant relatives,”I-is this a part two to the dress I’m wearing right now?”, the dress you were wearing was a gift from Dabi for your birthday last year. Dabi grins as he holds up on pair,”Yup now show me those pretty feet of yours”, you rolled your eyes. Dabi-- or rather all of them treated you like a princess or like a diamond they would say and call you that sometimes. He places the first pair on you and then the second, he places your feet down,”They are the right size right?”, he asked as he holds out a hand to which you grabbed and pulls you to stand up. You almost stumbled backwards if it wasn't for Dabi grabbing your waist to steady yourself,”T-thank you and yes they are the right size, we should probably get going right?”, you told him. Dabi--still has his arm around you reaches for his coat,”Yep and I can tell we both are going to be late, Shigaraki might not like this”, you both walked out of your apartment. As you walked out of the back door and though the alleyway to the front your flinched at what you saw, a sleek jet black sports car. You turned your head to Dabi in surprise,”We-- thats-- umm.. are we??”, he quickly pulls you towards the car,”No time doll, good thing I brought this instead, we need a miracle to get there in a few minutes, now get in”, he opens the door and you entered inside the warm seat. The drivers door opens and Dabi steps in and closes the door,”You ready Y/n?”, you nod as you fastened your seatbelt,”You better hold on tight cause I’am not slowing down.”, he turns on his car with his is keys, change his gear and steps on the pedal.

#dabi #dabi x reader #hawks x reader #hawks #Aizawa #aizawa x reader #mha #bnha #shinsou x reader #shinsou #Izuku x reader #Shigaraki x reader #genten x reader #todoroki x reader #todoroki #izuku #shigaraki #mha fanfiction #mafia au

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piningeddiediaz · 3 years ago

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I don't know if Maggie is in therapy, but it might help her. she needs to understand that not everyone cares about the proposal she wants and it's okay to accept criticism. I don't know how the dreamer trilogy is being received and I don't even know if it has been a great success. no one is asking for fanservice just wanting what she promised was not to separate (she deleted the tweet about that) and respecting the development the couple had in the raven cycle... so why then more than 4 books to develop a relationship? if she wanted to finish them first, she would have done cdth with them apart. like it or not, most of the people reading the dreamer trilogy are because of pynch and that's okay, isn't she making money off of it? from the moment work is sold, it belongs a little to the person who bought it and there will be criticisms, if she didn't want to, she could have made the book just for her and not market it.

I'd rather not discuss Maggie's personal life. it is none of our business and its not nice to discuss her personal things in this manner.

I see your point and like I said I see both sides - personally I dont like it because a lot of the things she's saying no to were things I really wanted to see. I dont personally think most of them are things a couple of lines in an epilogue cant cover, but having said that I can understand that as the writer she has a vision for her work - and if she is to be believed she planned this series out as early as 2008! can you imagine that? shes been sitting on this idea for over a decade - most of us probably didnt even know how to write compound sentences then! so I suppose I can understand her. protectiveness over this (I do recall there was a lot of controversy when she was on Tumblr because people kept asking her to write pynch smut). could she have done it better? hell yeah. the reason why people are so disappointed about the lack of adam presence in the books is because she has been teasing an adam storyline for years. even cdth and mi both hint at adam going through his own thing, but the problem is that at this point it is very unlikely we are actually going to see it be wrapped up. mstief has put a lot on her plate for the last book and idk how she is going to cover it all without making it hundreds of pages. logically, it probably means adam's story is going to be sidelined (and no sarchengsey, bcos I know people are hoping for that). it's not their story. I dont like it, but its nothing I didnt already know. like im not gonna pretend adam and pynch weren't the main reason I came back to the fandom when cdth came out, because I genuinely did not care until I found out Adam was gonna be in the book. but I didnt stay for adam, I stayed because I got hooked on the story.

so in conclusion, ik the tweets upset a lot of people. lots of people had hopes about it but they were hopes. im disappointed we wont get to see things like pynch proposal and their life together etc (people/maggie who say pynch proposal after a year of dating is too ooc - bro declan practically proposed after a month of knowing jordan. the lynch brothers fall hard and fast we all know this) but I trust maggie as a writer enough to believe that whatever she has planned for the next book, it will be something good. take mi as an example - adam wasn't in it even half as much as we were all hoping and yet his impact was unparalleled. everything came back to him and Ronan despite him being barely present in it! breaking pynch up is not an option - maggie knows that as well as us - and the rest? fall 2022 cant come fast enough!

#and yes a part of the characters will always be the readers because no one interprets anything the same way and that's never gonna change #i AM going to write a thousand fics about them being soft and getting married and no one can change that #the rest? we'll have to wait and see #asks #anon #trc #mister impossible #adam parrish #ronan lynch #pynch #ronan x adam #the dreamer trilogy #maggie stiefvater

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freebooter4ever · 3 years ago

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Ref anon: I hope you can get help for that pain. Maybe a nerve is pinched? I'm really not sure about my future. I have a lot of hobbies but just work a shit customer service job. Getting motivation to do drawing at all is difficult let alone animate. Which is a great mental state to be in when my only plan for my whole life since childhood was animation. 🤷‍♀️

its tendonitis and im pretty sure the only way to get rid of it is to take a break from working which is obviously not possible so just gonna ignore it till i die i guess \o/

so yeah you struck a cord with me, this got long...

i cant help with motivation, i have too much of it. i lived with my grandparents for a year while grandpa was sick, and it was the first time they'd ever really seen me /work/ and even they were shocked. it really is constant - if i have twenty minutes and im not using it to draw its wasted time, you know? my first roommate here in LA was concerned too - she kept trying to get me to stop working and go out and back then my excuse was i didnt have a job and no money for going out, but really im just like that all the time. i try to balance it with seeing friends and social media and everyday shit like eating food, but its hard, my favorite people are the ones who will just sit and work with me lol! (or going out and working in places im not alone and quiet). i guess what im saying is...if its really your passion, is it not there all the time? i only ask because it took me a long time to realize that although i loved to analyze animation and watch it - the way i process art doesnt quite have what it takes to do that. we all love the end product, but just because the animation part is the most front facing part...doesn't mean that's necessarily where your actual passion might lie...if that makes sense? there's SO MUCH to do in the animation industry, its crazy. for me, i finally realized that all my obsessive energy revolved around character and especially faces, and i just started focusing on that. i would much rather be concepting a wide variety of characters than spending a whole year animating about one minute of a two hour movie.

that said there's also the sad reality that some people have had doors open more easily than others. i feel you about being stuck in a retail job you feel wasted in :( im sorry you are in that position. i hope you are able to make a change, but i understand just how fucking /trapped/ that can be. watching life slip by into nothingness while the tiny snatches of meaning only happen during off hours and scraped together seconds of free time. one of the biggest ironies though is that this is how a lot of original animators felt about dsn*y. i mentioned that on my road trip i stayed with the son of an animator who worked on snow wh*te - he wasnt one of the 9 old men but he was their contemporary and friend, and the animator took the job just to make money off his art. animation just wasnt his full passion and he eventually quit, moved up north, and started experimenting with helicopters and boe*ng lol.

and in reverse of that, as i grew up with a father and a grandfather who worked for boe*ng and the US space program, ALL my open doors were flight and space related - my cousin currently works for N A S A and my other cousin for boe*ng - they took the doors but i didnt want anything to do with it. it took years for my grandpa to finally come to terms with the fact that my passion for art was as strong as his passion for airplanes. he grew up a farm boy daydreaming about flying, and had to take a circuitous route to finally get there - army, college, mechanical engineering, finally rockets. he gave my dad and me all the chances grandpa would have wanted as a kid - my dad took them - i didnt want any of it. i would much rather have had those chances that the animator got.

and then of course there are the institutionalized gates - barriers against entry for women, minorities, LGBQT, people without money...its a LOT to fight against. which is of course why we celebrate the exceptional people who DO break through those barriers and succeed despite it all. but it can be demoralizing to be on the other side of those barriers. demoralizing is too soft a word. i dont think there is a word for how much it can hurt.

some wisdom that might help: randy pa*usch's last lecture - he is a white male who definitely does not understand the race/sex 'walls', but he makes good points, and also he came at the animation industry sideways for very similar reasons - through education and research rather than the traditional job promotion route. and then someone closer to my own age/time: justin scar*ed - i dont mean his road trip videos, i mean the old vlogs from 3-6 years ago when he was 31 divorced and depressed and realizing he had to release himself from his own pressure of his music career. his quest for positivity is an interesting concept, and i sympathized with that feeling of your life taking a direction you didnt chase after but somehow ends up being the thing you were actually looking for the entire time. if you want a success story there’s always my favorite: steve aok*. he went against everything that was set up for him in life and still made it work ^_^ (of course of these three, guess who also grew up the rich kid lol). or norman re*dus who quite literally accidentally became a model and successful actor. im paraphrasing this horribly, but my impression was that as a teenager he was selling shitty cat paintings on the streets of paris - which sounds romantic but miserable at the same time - and then followed a girl to california, got a crappy job in a motorcycle shop, went to a party and yelled at some people from a balcony, landed his first stage role...and eventually created the character of daryl and finally got the chance to have his genius really shine. (sometimes i wonder though, if it was frustrating to end up being famous for acting rather than art which was arguably his true passion?)

i hope any of this helps, i am pretty exhausted lately so apologies if my sentences are incomprehensible in some parts. and you know, my DMs on here are open if you want to talk more specifically off anon <3

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authorofdanger · 5 years ago

Text

Go Home

Summary: When stress is high sometimes you take it out on the wrong person.

Genre: Angst

The weeks before a big performance are always the most stressful. From getting the moves perfect to making sure everyone remembers every line they have to sing or rap they have to rap to having stylists making sure every outfit fits just right and every makeup and hair look matches.

Lucky for us this performance would be here in South Korea so it wasn't going to be a huge trip which meant we would get to sleep at home until a day or two before the show. Most of this time however was spent in the studio to perfect everything. It was late at night and everyone except Minho and Jeongin came home from a harsh dance practice.

"They need to come home. It's late and they need rest," I whispered to Chan in the kitchen as he finished up his warm glass of decaf tea. "Dont worry about them too much Y/N. They're big boys, they can handle it." Even behind his smile I could see the equal amount of worry etched into his features, not to mention I could smell the mix of sweat and nerves.

"I'm going to go get them," I groaned before heading to the front door to put on some shoes. Chan gently grabbed my arm and tried to ask me to stay but knowing how the boys tend to forget to take care of themselves at times like this I wouldn't be able to sleep knowing not everyone was home safe and asleep. So with that I threw on a hoodie and covered my ears and left for the studio to retrieve the two remaining members.

Before stepping into the dance studio I made sure to get two water bottles from Chan's studio in case they havent been drinking water. I could hear the blaring music from down the hall and the occasional frustrated groans. Knocking was pointless due to the volume so I took in a deep breath and slowly walked in and stood by the wall as they finished up the dance.

I could see the dark bags under their eyes and sweat drenching their shirts. Their breaths were short and sharp and their chests were heaving from exhaustion. It was only after I walked towards them with the water did they even notice I was there. "Hey bunny girl what are you doing here," Jeongin gasped out before taking a big drink of water. "Its late so I came to walk you guys home," I said as nicely as I could. I know this could lead into a fight if I said the wrong thing so I had to choose my words carefully.

"I'm staying here until I get this perfect," Minho grumbled tiredly. I gave him a soft look and went to reach out for his hand but he backed away from me and gave me a deadly glare. "I'm going to go on home. You coming Y/N," Jeongin asked. "No it's okay. I'll meet you at home." Placing a small kiss to the top of my head he grabbed his things and left Minho and I alone.

He began to walk back over to the sound system when I was just barely able to grasp his right wrist. He stopped for a minute before angrily whispering "go home Y/N. I'm staying here." But I wouldn't let go, not until I could get him home. "Min-" "I said go home!" He yanked his wrist away from me and stormed to the sound system to replay the song from before. This wasn't like him at all! Normally he was so sweet to me and so gentle but right now he was cold and intimidating but I am to stubborn of a girl to leave him behind. I need him to take care of himself.

As he was just beginning his dance I made the bold move to go stop the music and muster up all the courage I had to tell him to go home. Fire seemed to be burning in his eyes as he fastly approached me and shoved me away from the system and accidentally to the floor. "Dont you dare fucking touch that again! Go home! I dont need you here!" The music sounded again and he got back into position but I wasn't going to give in so easily so I got up and stopped the music again.

Fear bubbled inside of me as he twisted around and rushed my way like a raging bull and got close in my face. "What the fuck did I just say! I am a grown man who doesnt need some girl, some HYBRID telling me what to do!" With each step I took back he took two steps closer until I was pushed up against a wall and cowering under his harsh gaze. "I dont need you to be a parent, I dont need you to be a friend, I dont need you being my girlfriend, hell I dont even need you at all! All you are doing is slowing me down!" "I'm just worried about you Minho. You're working so hard-" "I work hard to be successful! Something you'll never be. You are nothing more than a house pet and you better start remembering that," he spat.

I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. Never do the boys compare me to my hybrid half unless it's when I do something they think is cute. My eyes began to water at his harsh words. Who knew a man you loved with all of you heart could hurt you this bad?

"I just want you to come home and take a break," I whimpered behind tears. "Maybe the break I need is from you! Now get the fuck out of here," he growled before harshly grabbing me by my ears and throwing me out of the studio where I would hit my head hard against the wall.

Is that how he really feels? Am I really that much of a burden to him? With pain clouding my thoughts I decided I didnt want to go home because if Chan knew what had happened he would rip a new one into Minho if the others couldnt stop him first but I also couldnt stay here in fear of another lash out. My only option left would be to go to Young K's place until morning and then ask him to take me home. Taking in a deep breath I dusted myself off and rubbed my sore ears where Minho's grip was just moments ago and walked out of the studio and towards where I believed Young K lived.

Key word: Believed.

I walked around for hours after getting lost along the way and found myself unable to find my way back. I hid behind a trashcan in an alleyway until the sun came up and people filled the streets. How am I going to get home? I dont have money for a cab, I dont have my phone, and I'm a hybrid without her owner in broad daylight. Curling further into myself I let out a choked sob and rocked myself back and forth in fear. I never even noticed a figure approach me until I felt a small tap on my shoulder which startled me further.

"Are you lost?" I looked up and saw it was an older woman no younger than seventy with a small girl with cat ears and a tail hiding behind her. I rubbed the tears from my eyes and nodded my head before pulling my hood down to reveal my ears to them and then my collar.

"Ah there's a phone number on here. Can I call that number?" "Please," I coughed out as she pulled out her phone to call Chan's number. "Hello? Yes I believe I have found your bunny rabbit? Yes yes she is okay just frightened is all. That would be lovely thank you."

As she hung up the phone she held out her hand before saying "let me take you home. Your friend is sending me your address."

"Guys she's back," Hyunjin yelled inside as he pulled me to him from the doorway. Chan tried giving the woman money but she wouldn't take it saying she would hope someone would do the same thing for her and her kitten. And when the woman left the two boys sat me down on the couch to try to ask me why I ran off like that but I refused to tattle on Minho's nasty behavior.

"Did Minho say something to you? He came home almost three hours ago and seemed confused on why you didnt come home," Chan asked sternly but I lowered my head to avoid his gaze. That's when I felt anger radiate off of him and Hyunjin and without a second passing he was up and going towards the bedrooms. I curled into Hyunjin and shook in fear knowing a fight was bound to erupt any minute now.

"She's home now so what's the big deal," I heard Minho yell as he was being dragged to the couch. I desperately tried to get out of Jinnie's grasp, I couldnt face him like this right now! "Y/N Y/N hey! Calm down what's wrong," Hyunjin asked as I cried and fought in his arms before resorting to covering my head and base of my ears.

"What happened," Chan growled at Minho after seeing my fear. "How should I know," Minho yelled without even looking at me. I kept my gaze glued to the concerned Hyunjin as he tried to soothe my nerves. "I'm going to take her to bed," he told Chan before helping me up and took me into his shared room where Jeongin still slept soundly.

I was quick to curl into Hyunjin once we both got under the covers and he softly rubbed my back and arms. It wasn't until he began to rub my ears that I let out a gasp in pain as his fingers pushed hard into where Minho violently pulled last night. "Did he hurt you Jagi," he whispered in my ear. When I slowly nodded my head it was enough for him to crawl out of bed and into the living room with Chan and Minho.

Soon with pure exhaustion I was somehow able to fall asleep to the soft snores of Jeongin that filled the room. I barely woke up when a body crawled up into the bed and pulled my back against his chest. I managed to stay calm even when his scent hit my nose and just let him hold me for a minute.

"I didnt mean any of what I said last night. I love you so much baby and I promise to never hurt you like that again no matter how stressed out I get. I'm sorry." And with that I turned to face my body towards him and pushed my face into his chest and fell asleep in his warm grasp.

#skz #skz hyunjin #skz changbin #skz chan #skz imagines #hybrid skz #skz minho #skz lee know #skz felix #skz fanfic #skz jeongin #skz jisung #skz seungmin #skz stay #skz au #skz angst #stray kids au #stray kids angst #stray kids

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 5 years ago

Text

Promise (Jungkook x You x Yoongi ONESHOT)

MASTERLIST

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here and you are in no way obligated to do it but if any of you like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

“I’m pregnant,”

“Oh fuck,”

Y/N looks at the boy in front of her with wide eyes. Did the firat word that came out from his mouth is oh fuck?

“Jungkook?”

“Are you sure?” He ran his hand through his hair multiple times, brows furrowed. “I mean.. it could be a false positive. We only did it a few times and its your first time too. How can you be pregnant?”

“Well…” Y/N held up the 10 sticks in front of him. 10 sticks of pregnancy tests that has a big fat positive sign on it. “If all 10 of this faulty, then maybe I should just sue the company. And also,” she pass him a slip of paper. “I already went to the doctors to confirm before I came to you. I needed to be sure too,”

“Y/N…” Jungkook weakly took the paper and scan its content. Yes, his girlfriend is a few weeks pregnant.

“We are going to be okay right Kookie? We love each other. And I know we are young, but we can do this right?” Y/N tried to smile, holding his hand. “I can find some work and you can do so many things. You have a bright future ahead of you. You c-”

“Thats exactly it Y/N,” Jungkook cuts her off and pull his hand back.

“W-what do you mean?” She looks at his retracted hand and back up at his face. Something is going to go very wrong, she can feel it.

“We are young. A-and I do have a bright future ahead of me…” Jungkook looks at her with sad eyes. “Y/N… remember that audition I went to?”

“Y-yeah?”

“I didnt win that but I got 7 different other offers instead and I have chosen one. I’m going to be a trainee. A trainee to become an idol!” Jungkook smile. Y/N knows this has been his long time dream. She wont stop him from going right?

Y/N looks at the smiling boy in front of her.

“You got in?!” She jumped excitedly and hugged him. “Then whats the problem? You can train and I’ll find work for a few years first until you debut. We can stay in Seoul together Kookie and start a new life!” Y/N grins. “I know you will debut and be successful one day. You are Jeon Jungkook, I believe in you Kookie,”

“Y/N…” Jungkook pushes her slowly, breaking the hug and is met with confusion from her. “I cant bring you… I… uh… I am not allowed to date until I debut and a few years after that in fact..,”

“W-what?” Y/N was shocked to the core. What is he saying? Is he breaking up with her? When shes carrying his child? “But.. what about..” she looks down and rub her still flat stomach.

“I-I dont know,” Jungkook sighed. “Honestly, I dont. But.. we will find a way, I promise okay?” Jungkook smile and hugs her, kissing her forehead. “I’ll never leave you and our baby alone. You will never ever be alone, I promise,”

/////

“Eommmmaaaaa!”

Y/N was drag out from her memories at the sound of her 5 year old daughter calling her name. She quickly wiped her tears and look at the little girl.

“Yes Jasmine, what is it baby?”

“Until when will grandma sleep in the ground? Its dirty!” She pouted. “Is she not coming home?”

“Well.. baby… grandma uh.. she went to a special place to sleep, and the ground is the way in. She likes that place so much she told me to tell you that she wont be coming back until quite some tine. Okay baby?” Y/N stroke her daughter’s hair softly.

“Okay eomma. But tell her to come back soon. I miss her,”

“I know baby. I know,” Y/N sighed and hugs Jasmine tightly, whispering, “I miss her too. More than you can ever know,”

The day Y/N told Jungkook that she was pregnant was the last day she ever saw or heard from him. He went back home that night, with a promise that everything will be alright, that she wont be alone and he will come up with a plan. But he dissapeared the same night, no texts, no calls, no messages, no one knows where and never came back. Y/N worked hard to raised her daughter up alone with the help of her single mother. Jeon Jasmine, she named her, but she can never answer when the little girl asks why her family name is different than her eomma or where her appa is. Soon, Jasmine stop asking and the three of them live happily together, the memory of Jungkook locked away. Until Y/N’s mother passed away a week ago and Jasmine keep wondering where she went.

Grandma sleeping at a special place is the best excuse she could come up with and after a week, Y/N decided that its time. She have to move on and make new memories someplace else with Jasmine.

A new job, a new place, a new life, just the two of them.

“And baby? We are going to a special place too. Not the same place Grandma went to, but another one okay. Lets go. Pick up your stuffed bunny and lets go okay?” Y/N place her on the ground and picked up the two luggage bags, fitting only the things they needed the most. New memories requires new things, right? and she take a step into a new future, hoping to forget every awful memory that ever happen in Busan.

You promise I’ll never be alone. Then what am I now Jungkook? Y/N sighed and looks down when she felt a tug at her hand and saw Jasmine smiling at her, making her heart soared. Well, Kookie, maybe you are right, I will never be alone afterall.

/////

Y/N looks up from the newspaper in her hand to the small building in front of her. This is the right adress, so this must be the place.

Hiring Coffee Girl

Y/N tapped the newspaper again, takes a deep breath and walks in. Being a coffee girl is not exactly a high paying job, but after dropping out from school to raise Jasmine, Y/N only works a few odd jobs here and there in her small hometown, which means she has no experience to apply for a high paying job in the big city of Seoul. But coffee? That she can do.

“H-hello?” Y/N nervously looks around the building. How can a supposedly entertainment company be this quiet. Yeah, its a small, unknown one, but surely they must have a handful of staff atleast? Theres not even a reception in this building. A building that doesnt even look like an office. Y/N wandered around the building, finding courage in herself to explore more. She came all this way, with what little money she have, she have to ace this interview.

Getting a little deeper into the building, she passed a few closed doors and finally hears music coming from a bright lighted room. With shaky hands and sweaty palms, she makes her way to the room and knock softly on the slightly ajar door.

“H-hello? Is anybody in here?”

No answer.

After knocking a few more times Y/N decided to push the door, only to be greeted by the bright light of the room. With blinking eyes she focuses herself and saw the room is some sort of a music room, with a grand piano located right in the middle of it. But what catches her eyes the most is the man sitting at the piano, head between his hands, slumping in frustration.

Y/N nervously take a few small steps closer and whisper.

“H-hi. Hello? S-sir?”

Still no answer.

“S-sir?” She reached out and tap the man’s shoulder, who immediately whipped his around, glaring at her, making her jump.

“What?!”

“I-I’m sorry. I didnt mean to disturb you but I-”

“Who the hell are you?!” The man turned fully at her and Y/N managed to sink in his features. He is good looking, no doubt. With short black hair, his beautiful pale skin glowing, his dark eyes shooting her death glares.

He is the most beautiful man she has ever seen.

“Are you deaf? Or u cant talk or something?” He waves his hand in front of her, making her jump again. “Heeellloooo?”

“S-sorry. I-im here to interview for the coffee girl position?” She stuttered.

“Do I look like an interviewer to you? Get out from here. This is private practice!” The man huffed and turned back around to his piano, shuffling through his music notes.

“Sorry,” Y/N quickly bows and turned to leave but stopped in her tracks when she heard a loud sigh from that same man, while loudly mumbling to himself.

“What cant I get this next note right? God damn it!” He slammed his hands on the piano keys, making a loud noise. Y/N knew she shouldnt, especially after the man just told her directly to get out but she turned around and approach him anyway.

“M-maybe I can help. M-may I? See? Your music notes?”

He looks up and glares at her.

“You? Coffee girl? What the hell do you know about music?” He scoffs.

“Maybe not as much as you Sir,” Y/N starts to get annoyed. How arrogant is this man? “But it seems like you are stuck and maybe a fresh perspective from a coffee girl can help,” she gritted her teeth, glaring back straight to his face. The man kept quiet for a moment before sighing.

“Fine, what do I have got to lose anyway,”

Y/N smile and took the papers he offered. After reading through and thinking for a moment, she smile.

“How about this? May I?” She gestured to the piano. “Sure. Go ahead,” he scooted a bit to give her space.

“I was thinking of something like this,” she starts to press the keys, making out a beautiful melody that fits the next part of the song perfectly. The man turns to her, mouth gaped open.

“H-how did you think of that? I have spent 4 days locked up in here, trying to think of the perfect continuation for that part!”

“Well,” she smiles, “sometimes a fresh perspective is all you need,”

“Are you sure you are just a coffee girl?” The man looks at her skeptically.

“Well, I am not practically hired yet, but I am hoping I would be. I reaaaaally need a job,” Y/N shrugs.

“No, I mean, you must have some sort of knowledge or maube some dumb luck or talent in music to do this so effortlessly. Who are you?”

“Well.. I do have a big interest in music. Me and my boyfriend, well, uh… my ex boyfriend,” Y/N gave a small smile at the memory of Jungkook, “use to compose songs together. I also studied music a little before I dropped out from school,”

“Do you still need a job?” The man looks at her with a serious face now.

“Yeah. I absolutely need one,”

“Then I am going to get you one,” he flashed a gummy smile and pull her hand.

“Wait, where are we going?!”

“To meet the CEO,”

“C-CEO?! Does the CEO really need to interview me for just a coffeegirl position!?” Y/N shrieked, making the man laugh.

“Of course not. We couldnt care less who will make us coffee. But I am going to make you a song writer for the company,” he grins again.

“W-what?!” Y/N felt dizzy. Is this man for real?

He just smile and continue to drag her to a room on the second floor. Suddenly he stops right before entering the room and smile, his hand shooting out to hers.

“I am going to be your colleague. We are going to spend a lot of time together since we are gonna be writing songs. I should at least know your name coffee girl,” he grins.

“I-Im Y/N. L/N Y/N,” Y/N reached out and shook his hand.

“Hi Y/N. I’m Yoongi. Min Yoongi, and it would be a pleasure to work with you,”

/////

“Working hard?”

Y/N jumped when that soft whisper hits her ears and turned around to smack the source of the voice right in the head.

“Owww!” “Serves you right Min Yoongi!” She pouted. “I told you dont sneak up on me when I am working!”

“But I brought coffee, and donuts. Is that enough to forgive me?” He gave her his famous gummy smile, holding up the tray of hot coffees and brown paperbag filled with donuts.

“Hmmm, depends,” Y/N crosses her arms and pretends to think. “Is it strawberry filled?”

“Of course it is. Dont you know by now to not underestimate Min Yoongi?”

“Then you are forgiven,” she smile and catch the bag that Yoongi threw at her. “Mmhhm delicious!”

Yoongi took a seat in front of her and smile. Writing music time is his favorite part of work. Sure, it has always been his favorite, but ever since that fateful day Y/N walks in looking for the coffeegirl position, it has gone even better.

“So, how was your band mates?”

“Oh right!” Yoongi smile. After years or training and just coped up writing music, he is finally introduced to another 6 trainees that will soon debut with him as part of the same group. Earlier today was the first time they actually officially met each other. Sure, he has seen them around the company sometimes, but never propeely introduced. “They are great. But I am the second oldest. Which means I have 5 bratty little brothes to deal with. I thought having you is punishment enough,” he laughs.

“Yahh. Who are you kidding? You love me,” Y/N giggles and continue to eat her donuts, which fillings has now dripped on her chin. Yoongi smiles at the sight of her scrunching her nose, brows furrowed trying to wipe the mess and mumble only loud enough for him to hear.

“I do. I really do love you,”

“Did you say something?” Y/N looks up at him, taking him by surprise.

“N-no. Just got some inspiration for the music. Stop eating and lets get to work you piggy,” he laughs and ruffles her hair.

“Yah, Im no piggy!” Y/N giggles. “Anyway, how long do you think PD-nim will keep with the rule that only married woman can meet and work with your group? I want to meet them too!” Y/N pouts.

“Well, a rule is a rule, and we are all devastatingly good looking you know, you might fall in love,” he laughs.

“That rule shouldnt apply to me. I have a kid!” Y/N protested. “And I am already working with you, for so many hours a day too! Whats the difference?”

“You might have a kid, but you are still single,” Yoongi rolled her eyes. Y/N had introduced Jasmine to him a month after they started working together, and just like her mother, the little girl managed to win his cold heart in a matter of seconds. “And its different with me. You knew me before I was an idol. Before I get all this cool clothes, 10 inch makeup and this swaggie dance moves. You already see me as a friend,” Yoongi smiles although deep inside he wished Y/N would say something about how he is more than a friend.

Y/N shrugs.

“Whatever. I still think the rule is stupid. I worked here but I cant see them? Stu-pid,” Y/N rolls her eyes and start to work. “But hey, atleast I get to spend time with you. And thats more than enough, right Yoongs?”

Yoongi smile at the nickname.

“Absolutely,”

/////

Y/N woke up that morning with her heart beating fast. She can feel something is happening today but she cant put her finger on what it is. Anxiously, she gets ready, take a shower, prepare breakfast for the two of them and send Jasmine off to school and make her way to the studio. Yoongi has a schedule today, so she will be working alone.

She smile at the thought.

Who knew that grumpy man she accidentally met a year ago, yes, a year ago, become one of her bestfriends and also a member of an idol group. Yoongi has debuted a year ago and to this day, she still dont know who his bandmates are or ever meet them. She always miss their show due to her busy schedule, balancing between work and taking care of Jasmine, and since the group dont have that many shows to begin with, she never get the chance to see them.

1 new message Yoongs 😊

Y/N smile and clicked open the text. She knows hes busy but he never fails to atleast wish her a good morning. Without realizing, her face etched with a huge smile. Y/N shakes her head and clears her throat as she realized what shes doing. Why am I smiling just from his name anyway?

Im taking you to lunch today. You are finally meeting my infamous bandmates. See you at 1 😘

/////

Y/N smoothed down her wrinkled shirt as she paced back and forth in front of the building, waiting for Yoongi. She dont know how to feel right now, nervous? Not exactly. Trying to impress? Not so much. But she do want to atleast look presentable in front of Yoongi’s bandmates. She has been bugging him to let her meet them for a year and now that he managed to do so, she should atleast act her best.

A few minutes later a small van with tinted window stopped in front of the building and out the first face she seens coming out fron the sliding door flashed her a big gummy smile.

“Yoongs!” She jumped and hugs him. Yoongi laugh and hugged her back.

“Wow, someone is excited to see me. I feel so touched,”

“Yah, I’m lonely. Writing songs alone is not as much fun as it sounds okay!” She pouted playfully and smack his chest.

“I know, I know and I’m sorry. To make it up to you, I am finally giving you your wish. Come meet my bandmates,” he takes her hand and leads her closer to the van. One by one they climb out fron the van, smiling, shaling her hands, telling her how they love her songs and how Yoongi talked so much about her.

“Thats Seokjin-hyung, Jimin, Namjoon, Hoseok..” Yoongi peered inside. “Wheres the maknaes?”

“They are coming out. Tae is trying to wake our sleeping beauty,” Jin explained. “Sorry, our youngest like to sleep,” he gave a small laugh.

“Its alright. You guys must be tired. Thank you for still making time to have lunch with me,” Y/N smiles. Before Jin coukd answer, Taehyung climbed out from van.

“Hes awake! I did it. Hi, I’m Taehyung,” he grins and gave his hand for a handshake. Y/N who is still starstruck by his beauty awkwardly take his hand as the “sleeping beauty” everyone talked about climbed out the car, which almost give Y/N a heart attack.

“Hi, sorry, I’m Jung-

“J-Jungkook?”

All six pairs of eyes are opened wide at whats happening in front of them. Their faces turned from Y/N’s shocked face to Jungkook’s disbelief reaction.

“Wait, do you guys know each ot-” Yoongi didnt managed to finish his question when suddenly a pretty girl ran up to the group and hugs Jungkook tight.

“Babyyy, I have waited for so long! Me and the baby is hungry!” She pouted playfully and rubbed the slight bumped on her stomach. Y/N’s mind is spinning as she tries to register what is happening in front of her. “Oh sorry, I didnt realized theres someone else,” the girl giggles and turn to Y/N, bows and sticks out a hand.

“I’m Nayla, Kookies’ fiancee. And this is our soon to be Kookie junior,” she smile and rubbed her stomach again. “And you are?”

“I-I,” Y/N’s eyes flicked over to Jungkook’s face who just look at her with a sad expression. Not sad for the situation, but more like sad for her. “I uh, I have to go,” she bows quickly and ran back inside as fast as she can, leaving everyone in confusion.

/////

“Hey.. Y/N? Are you in here?” Yoongi’s soft voice calls out to here and she sense a figure coming closer to her as she quickly wipes her eyes but to no avail. The tears just keeps on coming. Yoongi sighed and sits on the floor besides her.

“H-how do you know I’ll be here?” She whispered, making Yoongi smile.

“Because, this is your sad room. I know you come here when you had a writers’ block, or you feel like your work is not good enough or when you are feeling anything bad at all,”

“Y-you notice?”

“Of course I do. I just thought you would appreciate it if I leave you alone whenever you come in here,”

“Then why arent you leaving me alone now?”

“Because I dont know what makes you sad this time. And I want to make you feel better. But I cant do that if you wont tell me. So… can you tell me? Please?” Yoongi scooted closer and tuck a stray hair behind her ears. “Please?”

“I-,” Y/N sniffles. “J-Jungkook…”

“You know Jungkook? I know hes a maknae brat, but what could he have done to make you this upset,” Yoongi wondered out loud. “Want me to beat him up?”

Y/N lets out a small smile in between her tears.

“N-no,” she smiles and takes a deep breath. “Jungkook… he uh..” Y/N starts to cry again. “J-Jungkook.. he is… Jasmine’s father,”

“What?!”

“And Yoongi, he has a fiance and a baby on the way!” Y/N burst out crying and Yoongi immediately leap forward and engulfed her in his tight hug. “Im alone Yoongs.. I thought when I find him I wont be alone anymore. B-but.. Jasmine and me will be alone,”

No, Y/N,“ Yoongi strokes her hair softly. “I promise you Y/N. You wont ever be alone. I’ll take care of you. I promise, I’ll take care of you,”

/////

Maybe its true when people say omce you notice or know something, you will never unseen it. After that fateful lunch meet up, Y/N keep seeing Yoongi’s band mates everywhere in the company. Of course, Jeon Jungkook included. Funny how for the one year she worked there, she didnt even crossed their shadow.

Still, she tries her best to avoid them l at any costs until one day, while she went to the rehearsal room early to meet Yoongi. He usually came early to finish a verse or two before their dance rehearsal and Y/N usually meet him there for a little catch up on work and leave before the others arrive. But as she pushed open the door, Yoongi was no where in sight, but she was met with a sweaty, dancing Jungkook instead.

“Oh.. uh, hi,” Jungkook immediately turned off the music player and stops, wiping a small towel over the sweats on his face.

“Uh.. hi.. s-sorry. I was looking for Yoongi. He usually come here early..” Y/N looks down and fiddles with her fingers from the awkward tension. How can she felt awkward with the same guy who whispered words of love in her ear years ago?

“Oh. Something came up, so hyung will arrive a bit late today. You are welcone to wait,” Jungkook motioned to one of the couches.

“Uh.. thanks..” Y/N looks around, still not sure what to do. Should she just leave and text Yoongi?

“So how are you? We havent seen each other for so long,” Jungkook cuts off her thoughts, smiling at her. Y/N looks at him. How can he be so casual when the last time they saw each other is when she told him she was pregnant? And never heard from him again?

“Im good,” she smiles. “Im a song writer now. But of course you know that,” she slapped her forehead. “Obviously I write songs for your band,” she gives a small laugh. Jungkook smiles back at her.

“Yes, you are. So how is working with hyung? We are all scared to disturb him when hes writing, but you seems to be able to work well with him?”

“Yoongi is great actually. And he helped me a lot,” Y/N smile at the thought. “He works really hard. Im actually here becayse he actually always tired to fit in some writing before all of you have to rehearse your dance,”

“Ohhhh, typical hyung,” Jungkook smiles. “But Joonie hyung told me the rap line has something came up today. So they will be late. You want me to take a message?”

“Well…” Y/N thought for a moment. “Yeah, that would be great actually. Just tell him that I cant stay because I need to go school,”

“School?” Jungkook looks at her, confused. “Are you still studying?”

“Oh right no,” Y/N laughs, realizing Jungkook must be confused. “I need to go to Jasmine’s school. They are having a-”

“Jasmine?” Jungkook cocks an eyebrow and Y/N realized she never actually had a chance to introduce him to his daughter. Y/N feels her eyes starts to water and smile softly. This is the forst time Jungkook even hears his daughter’s name.

“Jasmine… well,” she spoke softly, eyes never leaving his. “Jasmine is my daughter. Well, actuallu, she is our daug-”

“Stop,” Jungkook raised his hand to stop her from finishing her sentence. Y/N looks at him with confusion. “Dont finish that sentence. I know what you are trying to say Y/N and I dont want to hear it. I dont want to know about her. At all,”

Y/N felt like her heart stopped. She knows Jungkook most probably dont love her anymore, but she had thought he would atleast feel something for his daughter? A little girl who never knew who her father was.

“Jungkook, I-”

“I know maybe you think by bringing her up I will feel regret, or maybe you can rekindle our love or something,” Jungkook sighed. “But let me tell you this now. I dont know how or what kind of funny joke the universe is trying to pull, that you somehow ended up working here of all places, but we are over. What we had are in the past and we will never be together again. We were teenagers, and I dont think I was even in love with you back then,” Jungkook runs a hand through his hair while Y/N is still dumbfounded about everything he says.

“Jung-”

“Let me finish ok?” He stops her. “I dont regret what I did. I know that makes me an asshole, but I am happy now. I love Nayla. I will do anything for her. And we have a baby on the way. And that baby is my daughter. I love my career and I have a bright future ahead of me, so please, please dont do anything that would jeapordize what I had or I swear Y/N, I’ll make you regret it. Clear?”

Y/N blinked a few times, the pain in her chest is killing her, her eyes trying hard to blink back the tears. Is this the Jungkook that she knows and love? How is he this heartless?

“C-clear,”

“Good,” without hesitation Jungkook turns and plays the song again and continue his dance, leaving Y/N standing there, frozen.

“Hey, you are early today,” Y/N turns and see Yoongi smiling at her. Without realizing, the other members are already entering the room one by one, chit chatting and placing their bags at the corner, ready to rehearse. She lifted her head to look at Jungkook, who is smiling and greeting his hyungs like their conversation never even happened.

“Yeah..” she smile weakly. “I uh just want to tell you that I dont feel well, so I’m gonna head home early today. Have a fun rehearsal,” Y/N smile, bows and quickly ran out before Yoongi can say anything.

/////

He knows. Jungkook knows that Y/N is avoiding him ever since the conversation they had in the rehearsal room. Jungkook didnt regret what he said because he meant every single word. He have a good thing going with Nayla and his career and he doesnt want a blast from the past to ruin it. But why is it he found himself cranking his neck to see if Y/N walks pass the hall? Or feeling irritated that Y/N didnt make any more effort to talk to him, or to introduce Jasmine to him? Or the feeling of extreme annoyance that Yoongi keeps on talking about her? He knows for sure that Yoongi knows about their history. Though his hyung never mentioned anything about it, but from the way Yoongi eyed him up and down or the sarcastic remarks he makes sometimes, Jungkook knows Yoongi knows exactly what happened. But what he doesnt know is, if Yoongi know about that conversation that took place a few days ago.

“Lets go Kookie,” Taehyung nudge him, snapping him out from his thoughts. Taehyung and him wanted to grab some food after the tiring rehearsal while the other hyungs decided to just go back to the dorm and sleep the say away, exhausted. They walked the short distance to their favorite snack stall near the building.

As Taehyung chatted away happily while stuffing his face full, Jungkook caught something at the opposite road in the corner of his eye.

Y/N.

He hasnt seen her for days already. Jungkook keeps on staring, blanking out everything that Taehyung is saying.

What is she doing?

Y/N turns to face him and thats when he realizes that she was talking to a little girl. Jungkook’s heart immediately beats faster at the sight fo the girl’s brown doe eyes, smiling and looking up to her mother with clear adoration.

Jasmine. His daughter.

Jungkook smiles without realizing. Sbe is so beautiful, and happy. Happy without him. Without a father. Because her father disown her. Jungkook’s smile turn to a frown. But the frown gets deeper when he saw Yoongi walks towards them and Jasmine immediately runs to his hyung and hugs him as Yoongi kneels to her height. He saw how Yoongi adjusted his daughter’s beanie and ruffle her hair. And how her tiny hands hugs Yoongi’s neck as he picks her up. How Y/N smiles warmly at the two of them. To everyone else, they look like a freaking happy family. But Jungkook knows better.

Because thats his family. And he wants it back.

/////

Ever since then, Jungkook has been following Y/N’s every step. And hes not being subtle about it either. Hes obviously watching and staying close and keeps on making snide remark about Yoongi and his closeness to her whenever they are together. At one point Y/N have had enough and drag the maknae to an empty rehearsal room.

“Why are you acting like this?”

“I dont know what you mean,” Jungkook shrugs. “Can I go now?”

“No! You know exactly what I mean. Why are you acting like a jealous freak?!” Y/N is frustrated with his behavior

“Fine!” Jungkook raised both his hands. “I dont want you close to hyung. Yoongi hyung,” Jungkook crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“Why the hell not? Hes my friend. And who are you to tell me what to do?!”

“Well, for starters, I’m the father of your daughter. I dont want you to simply let my daughter close to anyone!”

“What?!” Y/N looks at him in disbelief. “You said Jasmine is not your kid remember. What? You suddenly want us back now?!” Y/N scoffs.

“N-no. I dont want that. I just…” Jungkook is loss for words.

“Then what do you want from me Jungkook? You said you dont want me to get close. You said you dont want to get to know your daughter, but you flipped out everytime Im close to Yoongi! What the hell do you want?!”

Jungkook kept quite, his chest heaving heavily from his breath, trying to control his emotions. Y/N takes a deep breath and looks at him.

“Jungkook.. I love you. I admit it. I love you. I still do. Even after years you left me and treating me like crap ever since we met again, I still love you,” Y/N confessed. “Choose me Jungkook. Marry me and lets forget the past mistakes. Be with me. Be here for me, for Jasmine. For once in her life. Marry me Jungkook,”

“I-I cant…”

“You… cant? Why? Why Jungkook? Tell me why!”

“I-I dont know! I dont know okay!But all I know is that I dont want to get married now Y/N. I am still young!” Jungkook lets out his frustration. To be honest, he really dont know how he feels.

“You are engaged to Nayla, Jungkook! Engaged to be freaking married!” Y/N screamed back.

“Nayla and me will only be married in a few years time. We never picked a date yet,” Jungkook justify.

“Then fine, okay. I’ll wait. I have waited for so many years, whats a few more.m right? Jungkook, I love you. Please,” Y/N sniffles. “Please, leave Nayla. We have a family. You, me and Jasmine. Please Jungkook, Nayla will understand. We are a family. We are meant to be together!” Y/N reached out and hold his hand. Hoping this time, he wont leave them again.

“Its not because of Nayla or anyone. Dont you get it?! Its you! I dont want to marry you!”

“W-what?” In shock, Y/N drop his hand, mouth gaping open. Jungkook finally said it. Shes the reason why. Shes the reason why Jasmine doesnr have a father. Jungkook left not because he was afraid of commutmentor anything. Its because… of her. Jungkook just doesnt want to marry her.

“Wait Y/N, thats not what I meant,” Jungkook quickly realized what he said and try to reached for her hand again but she swatted it away.

“No Jungkook. For the first time you left me, I finally understand. Its very clear now why. You dont love me. You never did. And you never will. All this years I thought if I found you, I can trt to make you fall in love with me. But how can I? How can I if you never love me in the first place?” Y/N laughs emotionlessly. “I-Im gonna go,”

“No Y/N, wai-”

“No Jungkook. Let me go. And this time I promise I will leave you alone,”

/////

“Hey…” Yoongi smiles and take sits down on the steps besides her. Y/N quickly try to wipe her flowing tears but failed. Its just too much. “I didnt mean to eavesdrop… but I passed by the rehearsal room, and I kinda heard everything. Are you… okay?”

“Why are you so nice to me Yoongs?” Y/N sniffles, letting her tears flows down. She doesnt want to keep it inside anymore. “I am sure you have better things to do than be with me and all my drama. Than entertaining a kid who is not even yours. You dont have to be nice to me just because you feel like you have to. Im okay,”

“Is that what you think Y/N? That I have to?” Yoongi gave a small laugh. Y/N nodded.

“Im a nobody. Just a small town girl who you helped to get a job. You have big things ahead ready for you Yoongs. And I am sorry I drag you into this,”

“Hey…” Yoongi cups her face to make her look at him. “You might be a small town girl who I helped. But I know for sure that even if I didnt, you will be great elsewhere. So actually, I am the one who should thank tou for picking to work with me,” he flashed his gummy smile, making Y/N smile a little. “Y/N… you might be a small town girl, but you are so much more to me,”

Y/N looks him, confusion clear in her eyes.

“You are the girl whos talent so raw, so amazing, it amazes me. You ate the girl who with just a smile, or even a yawn,” he laughs, “makes my heart beats uncontrollably. I dont know how or when it happens… actually, I do,” Yoongi smiles. “It happens from the first day you tapped my shoulder and said I should open up and listen to some fresh persepctive. My heart cant stop beating at the thought of you ever since then, my mind cant stop thinking about you ever since and I just cant bloody stop smiling at the thought of you, at the sound of your name Y/N. There.. you know everything now. So I hope you dont think that I have to take care of you. I hope you know that I want to take care of you, because the thought of you and Jasmine alone or sad or unhappy makes me want to protect you, love you and just.. make you smile again,”

“Yoongi..,” Y/N whispered his name so softly while his eyes still locks on hers. “I… but I cant-”

“Hey,” he takes her hand and rubs it softly. “I am not telling you all this so that you will forget Jungkook or choose me. Its not my intention. Im telling you all this because you need to know how you make me feel, how important you are, how loved and how I need you. You dont have to say anything,”

“Yoongi…” Y/N cleared her throat, eyes glistening with tears. “I care for you. You are what makes me so strong to be here, to start this new life after I move. To face Jungkook and Nayla everyday. But Yoongi… Jungkook is my-”

“I know,” Yoongi smiles and squeezes her hand. “Jungkook is your first love. And its not easy to forget him. I know he is your first love Y/N, and I dont mind. Because… I am going to be your last love, and I promise I will wait however long that takes,”

Y/N mouth gaped open, but nothing came out. Speechless as she stares at Yoongi’s smiling face.

“I love you Y/N,” he whispered and kisses her forehead. “And you dont have to say anything,”

/////

Jungkook is going crazy. He didnt mean to say what he said. He was just so stressed about his feelings that it just came out. He loves Nayla, and the baby. He is happy. Was happy. Everything changes when Y/N appeared again in his life and he starts to doubt everything.

The jealousy, the longing, the constant nagging from Nayla asking why hes acting different… its all just too much. And when Y/N asks him to pick her, choose her, there and then, he lost it. He was scared, he was lost and he doesnt want to do something he will regret. But apparently, he did it anyway.

Its been a few months since then, and Y/N avoided him like a plague. It doesnt help that Yoongi is helping her to avoid Jungkook too, and worse, that hyung is getting extremely close to her too, and that shameless hyung is no longer hiding his feelings for her. His whole band knows about it now, and theres nothing Jungkook can do to stop him. Jungkook needs to see Y/N, to talk to her, to explain everything. He knows what he wants now. Its very clear now. He loves Y/N. He wants to be in her life again, to be Jasmine’s father, to watch her grow up with Y/N by his side. Never again missing anything in her life. Jungkook will be damned if he lets Y/N go to Yoongi. His own band mate. His own hyung. But what if its too late? What if Y/N stops loving him in this past few months? What if he lost his chances for good. He needs to see her.

And he needs to see her now.

“Y/N, please. Just hear me out,” Jungkook pulls her hand before she could escaped. After months trying, he finally gets hold of her writing schedule and waited at the music room where she and Yoongi always work together. He made sure its the day where Y/N is alone, no hyung in sight and waited for her for hours until she showed up. She has no where no run now.

“I have nothing to say to you Jungkook,” Y/N tries to escape but failed.

“But I do. So you need to listen!” Jungkook gripped her hand. “Please?” Y/N sighed and nodded. She cant never resist thise doe eyes.

“Thankyou,” he gives her a small smile. “Y/N, first I want to say I’m sorry. Sorry for saying I dont want to marry you. Sorry for saying I dont want to get to know our daughter. And most of all… sorry for leaving you all those years ago.. when I promised you that you wouldnt be alone,” he takes a deep breath. “I regret everything I did to you. I was stupid, a brat and selfish. I know that. But I also know one thing… I know that I love you. In love with you. And I dont want to live another day without you,”

Jungkook stops and looks at her, trying to gauge her reaction, but nothing. He cant read whats shes feeling, so he decides to continue.

“Y/N… I’ll do anything. I’ll go as fast as you want or as slow as you want. If you want to get married now, lets do that. If you want to wait for 10 more years, I’ll do that too. Please Y/N, you dont have to forgive me, but please, accept me…”

“What about Nayla?” Y/N finally speaks after being quite for a while.

“Nayla..” Jungkook sighs.“Theres something you should know Y/N. That baby.. its not mine,” Y/N gasps, surprised by his confession. “You see… I have been chasing after Nayla for quite some time… but she has always been in love with this one guy, her ex boyfriend. Then one day, she came to me crying, saying shes pregnant and her boyfriend left her… she was scared, and alone.. and for the first time, she said she wanted me. I said yes. I accepted her, and accepted her baby as my own. But.. she left… the guy came back, said he wanted her back and she went back to him. Nayla is not a problem to us anymore Y/N. We can be together,” Jungkook smiles.

After a moment of silence, Y/N lets out a long laugh.

“Y-Y/N?”

“So thats why you are acting like this. Because Nayla left you? Thats it isnt it?”

“What?! No!” Jungkook panics as he realized what Y/N must be thinking about. “No Y/N. I have realized long before she left me that I love you. I want to be with you. You and Jasmine. You!” He held her hand tightly. “Please, believe me Y/N,”

“How can I Jungkook? You have done nothing but breaks my heart and hurt me…”

“I know, I know. But I promise. And this time I really promise, that I will spend the rest of our lives to prove to you that I love you. To shower you with the love that you deserve. To be the father that our daughter deserve. Y/N… I know you still love me,” he places her hand in his heart. “And I promise, you will never be alone again. I will show you how much I love you. I love you Y/N. I love you with everything I got,”

Y/N looks down and looks back up to the face that she had always, always love. The face that he always longed for. Slowly, a smile appeared on her face.

“I love you,” Jungkook smile and leans closer, to finally give her the kiss she has been waiting for so long.

/////

Yoongi immediately turns away from the door and walks out from the building. He is pretty sure Y/N wouldnt notice that he missed their session today.

He was so excited to surprise her today, bringing her favorite donuts. Y/N has been happier lately, and they have been so much closer ever since the Jungkook situation. Yoongi had thought he actually stands a chance. That Y/N has finally moved on ftom her first love. From the speeech he hears Jungkook gave her, and that smile on her face before he leans in to kiss her… well, he knows hows thats going to end.

Yoongi sat at the bench along the road alone, munching on the donuts he bought slowly. This is where he usually meets with Y/N and Jasmine, before they went off for some food or fun activities on his free day. None of that anymore. He is sure Jungkook will be doing that with her now. Yoongi sighed.

“How can someone sounds so sad while eating such delicious donuts?” Yoongi immediately turns around to the sound of the voice and see Y/N walking towards her, smiling. Ia she here to tell him about her and Jungkook. He dont need to know. “And Min Yoongi, are you eating my favorite donuts alone?!”

Yoongi try to give her a smile and pass the bag to her. Y/N smile and take a seat besides him.

“Why the long face?”

“Nothing you need to know,” Yoongi shrugs. “You look happy today,”

“Yes. Its a good day today,”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I fell in love,” Y/N smiles and Yoongi felt his heart breaking.

“Well.. good for you then. I have to go. Ill see you?” He starts to stands up to leave but Y/N pulls his hand.

“Wait. Dont you want to know more?”

“Actually no,” Yoongi shakes his head and try to break free but Y/N tighten her grip and frown.

“No sit,” and Yoongi has no other choice but to follow. “I had a talk with Jungkook today,”

Yoongi kept quiet, wondering why he is putting himself through this hell.

“He told me he regrets everything he ever said, or did to me. He told me he wanted to try again. To be with me. To be with Jasmine. He said he finally realizes what he wants, that he loves me. And wants to spend the rest of our lives together. Its everything I wanted to hear Yoongi,” Y/N smile.

“Yeah? Congratulations. I am very happy for you,” Yoongi forced a smile.

“And do you know what I think about while he is saying all that?”

Yoongi shrugs.

“All I can think about is how I dont want any of that from him anymore. Instesd, all I can think about is all the days I spent with you. To spend my days with you. Laughing and having fun with Jasmine and you. The way you smile, the way you always here to listen to me, the way you care, the way you… love me…”

Yoongi feels his heart beats faster but his tounge is tied.

“And I realized… that I want to be all of that to you too. I want to be the face you remember, I want to take care of you, to listen to you, to make you smile, to make you laugh. Yoongi, do you know what I’m trying to say?”

“I-Im not sure? Maybe you can enlighten me?” Yoongi tries to keep a straight face but he cant keep his gummy smile from showing.

“Min Yoongi, I love you,” Y/N grins. “And I want to be your last love too. No, I’m gonna be your last love, and it starts now,”

/////

“I love you,” Jungkook smile and leans closer, to finally give her the kiss she has been waiting for so long.

Y/N stops him before his lips can touch hers and smile.

“Y/N? Whats wrong?”

“I dont love you anymore Jeon Jungkook. And I promised you that I’ll leave you alone remember? And unlike you, I always keeps my promises,”

#bts #bangtan boys #bangtan seonyeondan #bts fiction #bts fanfic #jeon jungkook #BTS jungkook #jungkook scenario #jungkook angst #jungkook fiction #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop scenario #min yoongi #bts yoongi #bts suga #min suga #yoongi fanfic #yoongi angst

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followingatrickster · 5 years ago

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Spell for studying

I’m not going to lie. this is my first spellcraft undertaking but not my first experience with magic. im generally more in the realm of divination (intuitive, tarot, pendulum ect.) A bitch knows magic works, she just didnt practice spell work because she wasnt in that much need; but she is now, money is tight, and getting that 2nd paycheck in the household falls squarely on my shoulders, and we are honest to gods struggling. I am getting ready to start a career as a massage therapist. I have a sort of limbo period now between my internship (570 hours of class and 120 hours of clinic time was a BITCH, but i knocked it out in less than a year) and my licensing exam. getting done was a breath of fresh air. i will admit, after 10 months of busting my fucking ass i wanted a break. unfortunately that break has run longer than intended and i was having a hard time getting my shit back together and motivating myself to hit the books independently, ive always struggled with that, i like to study, but i lean towards studying something fun (the craft in this case). so deciding what spell to cast first when i was ready was pretty obvious to me, and honestly this spell is kicking my ass all over the place about not studying enough so i want to share it with anyone that might need it. Frankly, i think part of the reason its kicking my ass is that i over did it. my version has 7 sigils and a runestave incorporated into it that i found here on tumblr. quite frankly i can no longer source all of the sigils and symbols that i used, but the ones i was able to locate i have included links for, and where i remember the affirmations i noted them, some i wrote down, some i kinda read off the screen and closed cause i was candle carving and had extra space, i wasnt reaaaly planning on posting about this when i was researching.

A Jar and Candle Spell to Aid in Motivation to Study, and Efficiency of Study

the color blue was chosen for its correspondences with willpower and focus, I also included a bit of Sun Water (my pantheon’s solar deity is female and i felt like sun energies would brighten my prospects, but if the moon would work better for you im all for it), also where I listed numbers of gem slivers, those are from sacred numerology (or so ive been told, why not?) 4 for stability and 9 for completion.

Herbs and Essential Oils

Rose: charged for concentration

Lavender: charged for mental clarity

Clove: charged for memory

Oak: charged for luck

Orange: charged for luck

Coffee: charged for peace of mind

Cinnamon: charged for success and speed

Sugar: charged to sweeten me towards study

Crystals

9 slivers of Hematite: charged for memory, courage, clarity, and stress relief

4 slivers of amethyst: charged for calming, good judgement, self confidence, and common sense

I placed all of this in the jar with 2 sigils written on blue paper, the first of which was for the affirmation ‘I pass all my exams’, and the second one can be found here: https://puella-terrae.tumblr.com/post/170137936896/i-retain-information-from-studying

I made a home made blue votive style candle and carved it with these sigils, and an affirmation that “I am passing my test” and “I am passing the mblex” as well as a little picture of a brain while chanting to myself the afirmations they represented. unfortunately there were more sigils, but im not going to post someone else’s work without a link.

https://tomiekin.tumblr.com/post/157746187010/i-have-energy-to-study-sigil-hi-qties-feel

https://witchymagic.tumblr.com/post/164395669767/i-will-recall-all-of-this-information-for

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/641411171907354175/ (specifically the one marked wisdom)

I then dressed the candle with olive oil, and burnt it on top of the jar, allowing some of the wax to run down the sides to seal the spell. i let the candle burn until it went out on it’s own. I now study next to the jar to charge it, and when i am feeling distracted while studying i shake it for focus. I am also not kidding, I am trying to take breaks and make time for rest but i am suddenly and honestly now uncomfortable sitting still, and i can only goof off for about 10 minutes before i start looking for my books. I hope this finds someone else to help.

Peace be with you bitches <3

#withcblr #college #collegewitch #college witch #spell #study spell #witch #norse pagan witch #study

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formerlyrunephoenix6769 · 6 years ago

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Willow Schnee Theory

from my old blog RunePhoenix6769

I managed to save this partially. h/c

One thing that I have not seen discussed much is why Willow has given up.

Why didnt she rage, why didnt she tell Jacques to knock it the fxxk off?

Its stands to reason that she is quite proficient in the use of her Hereditary semblance if she is in fact the person Winter learned from.

We have seen the Schnee women in action and damn do they have quite the temper under that frosty veneer. Why didnt Willow just swish, flick SPLAT Jacques?

But think about it.

She had been a care free young woman, beautiful, educated and from one of the wealthiest families in the whole of Remnant, she had been seen as and treated like royalty by everyone she had ever come in contact with. She had been willful, wild and happy, her Father’s pride and joy.

She had many suitors, ranging from tribal Princes in the South, beautiful boys with more money than sense, poets who had written sonnets from a far, second sons of businessmen who wished to merge with the mind to force her to relinquish control, wild Huntsmen who looked to tame the heiress not understanding that like the season of creation, she could not be so easily corralled.

They had come with their gifts, their gentle words, their reverence. They had peered at her as if she was a deer on the tundra who would startle at a moments notice. Not one had seen beyond the image crafted by the press or the idea they had created in their heads. Handled with kid gloves, some sought to wrap her in fine furs and silks like fine Mistrali porcelain.

Those suitors she took great pleasure in breaking, watching as their hearts shattered in the face of the icy wilds.

Southern Princes made soft from cavorting within their Vacuon walls, jewels and metals dripping from their pudgy hands, wishing only for a piece of Winter to gaze upon in the gilded cage they would keep her, in the lands of the never dying sun.

Beautiful boys, spoilt by their mothers, never having been beyond their societal circles thinking of themselves as her equal, a playmate of sorts who would willingly accompany them on their never ending whirlwind of dinners and balls and cater to their every churlish whim.

Second sons, hellbent on carving out a place for themselves from under their Father's and older brother's shadow, a prize to be bickered over or dragged into the fold, where she would be an adornment for their arms. A symbol of status and prestige.

Poets and Artisans who lingered on her beauty, describing her as one of the Maidens of the fairy tales of old, returned. Claims of madness that she wrought upon them with her cool indifference, they wallowed in a sickness of the heart helped by their dependence on crystal dust and their tenuous grasp upon reality.

But there is one, one who is different.

He is slightly older, dashing , charming and speaks to her in a way that no one else ever has. He is responsible, steadfast, intelligent, and understand’s her Father’s business.

He courts her, slow and steady. She learns that he is from Vale, the second son of a vineyard owner yet she finds he is unlike the other second sons of the captains of industry she is used to. He has no interest in staking his claim, has no looming father figure he must get from underneath. He is simply happy to be by her side.

As they grow closer, he shows her things she never seen. She tells him of her insecurity that she wont be able to live up to her Father's legacy. He assures her that she shall and he will be there beside her to help her, to share the burden of the company she will one day inherit.

Her Father likes him, her mother does not, her grandmother says Willow could trust a Vacuoan Faunus vagabond more than she can trust him.

Nobody who loses that consistently at cards can be trusted.

Willow brushes it off as snobbery.

He suggests marriage. Her Mother disapproves. Her Father is wary that she is rushing into things.

She assures him, this is the man she loves, she wants no other…

How can a Father deny his only child?

Nicholas Schnee reluctantly agrees and assurances are made, he agrees to give up his name of Gele and take hers on their wedding day.

The first few years are blissful, they are learning the ropes at her Father's side. Her husband is eager to start a family and is ecstatic when he learns that Willow has fallen pregnant.

It is not the easiest of pregnancies and her tender caring husband suggests she takes it easy, that there is no need for her to come to the office, he’ll deal with everything.

Don't worry or stress out the baby.

She gives birth to a beautiful baby girl, keeping the W tradition, she names her Winter.. Her husband lavishes gifts on his daughter but the affection isn't quite there. He explains its the office and hes tired.

The proud grandparents dote on their grandchild, catering to Winters every whim.

As the years pass, she loses her grandmother, swiftly followed by her mother.. Her Father is over come with grief, he isn't as strong as he used to be… Her husband graciously offers to step up to the plate, carry the load, in her stead, of course, just whilst her Father gets back on his feet…

He never does..

The only light in her Father's life is Winter, who he begins to train with mock wooden swords, her delighted squeals of joy echoing through the house as he chases her through the cavernous halls. Willow trains her a bit more seriously, encouraging ballet, gymnastics, and horse riding to help with her foot work and balance.. at her husbands request

Nicholas gently chides her,

“Allow her to be a child”

Willow takes to caring for him as he ails, and he is over joyed when he hears shes expecting a second child.

Whilst her movement is limited, she begins to teach Winter the fundamentals of glyph usage and explains the Schnee semblance

She is so grateful to her husband, for being such a good man, understanding that her Father needs her, for taking care of the business.

Everyone is over joyed at the arrival of Weiss, a middle name belonging to her late mother. She is small and frail but alert. This time, Jacques is much more receptive and affectionate with the new arrival.

And business is booming. Willow hears silly rumours on the social circuit but dismisses them as idle gossip among elitist assholes. The upper echelons of society had never quite accepted him as one of their own. Jealousy at his success when other company’s were flailing.

Her Father’s mind begins to deteriorate until he is the shadow of a man.

When he passes, Willow is at a loss…..

She begins to notice small differences. Her husband's long hours at the office, he's cold, distant.. distracted. He rarely sees his daughters, he loses his temper easily..

When Winter loses her first fencing bout at the tender age of 10, he snaps, Winter cries..

Jacques apologies and claims its stress, that the pressure of holding up the business after the passing of the great Nicholas Schnee is taking it's toll.

He continues to favour little Weiss over her sister, instead he begins pushing Winter in all her training and academics.

Willow confronts him…

He says he wants what is best for her… That maybe it is Willow who isnt good enough to train her.. He hires Winter the best sword master in the land and demands progress reports.

What has happened to the man she loved?

His cruel words, what has she done wrong?

Maybe another baby might bring them closer?

When Whitley is born, Jacques is ecstatic…. A son!

A son he spoils and lavishes with praise.

For a time they return to their blissful days, but it is far too short before his cold indifference returns.

He almost immediately forgets how he favoured Weiss, choosing instead to treat her like her older sister, constantly applying pressure. Pushing her to her limits with classes and recitals, organizing concerts.

She is a prodigy and must reach her full potential.

Willow can see the seething sibling rivalry brewing, vying for his attention, the jealousy. The competitiveness between the girls. Which her husband encourages, claiming it is healthy for them.

They are Schnee’s after all with an image an to up hold.

They should be the best at everything they do.

The rumours about the company become too dark to ignore, the collapsed mines, the trapped Faunus.. The threat of the White Fang..

Suddenly, Willow's home becomes her prison.. Security ramped up… She always had security but not like this, Board Members go missing.. Family and friends murdered.

Jacques treats her with barely concealed contempt, belittling every thing she attempts to do in the capacity of the SDC.

She decides something needs to be done.. She sweeps into the head quarters.. She goes through the files… She is disgusted..

Who is this man and what has he done with her husband?

She brings it up at the dinner table, she wants the company to reverse its policies.

He laughs at her.

“Willow, “I am the head of the SDC.”

He informs her that she is powerless, only a figure head as she no longer holds any sway over the remaining board members … He has taken strides to ensure that the company is under his control.. Sure she can leave with her money but the company is essentially his.

She threatens to oppose him, he threatens the children's future and thinly veiled, their very lives.

She asks him… “ Did you ever love me?”

He looks at her with a stare as cold as an Atleasian winter..

“No. I only married you for the company”

In that moment she realises that she has been played.. the longest con.. Her mother and grand mother were right…

It all begins to dawn on her..

Willow no longer has anyone to turn to… Any board member she was close to has conveniently disappeared or died.

she meant nothing…. It was all an elaborate charade.

She was a means to an end.

He is a repulsive monster!!

And now her children’s futures are at stake..

Her children… HIS children..

Winter looks stricken. Weiss bottom lip is trembling..

The candles on her birthday cake flicker and die

Willow has never noticed how much of him is in them…

The set to Winter’s shoulders. The way Weiss scowls at a particularly difficult problem….

And Whitley……. So much like his Father..

#willow schnee #formerlyrunephoenix6769 hc #runephoenix6769 head canon #rwby #winter schnee #weiss schnee #jacques schnee #sdc #schnee dust company #willow schnee hc

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mykniverse · 5 years ago

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TW// self harm, beatings, suicide, death

i remember storming home first, leaving family members behind. my thighs were pinched with thongs and i was dragged and locked out of the house in the cold. i was given a jug of water, some fruits and my schoolbag.

when sh did the same, he was lectured and was told not to do it again.

i remember accidentally lashing out and i was forced to eat cili padi at 10 pm.

when sh and iq did it, they were only shouted at.

i remember the day you found my goodbye card for my guy friend in primary school. i was scolded and shouted at and also beaten up.

when sh and iq exchanged love letters with girls, nothing was said or done.

i remember asking if i could go out with my friend at 9. i wasnt allowed to because i failed my exams.

sh and iq are able to go out even when their results are bad.

i remember wanting to go to a level camp so bad i wrote a note, begging to be allowed to go. but i got scolded for writing the note and i wasnt allowed to go. i wasnt allowed to go to camps till i was 13.

sh was able to go to camps between ages 11 and 12 with no problems.

i remember being told that if i failed PSLE i will be married off to a random guy. i was told to aim for 200. i scored 199. i didnt get to hear any “good job” or “you did well” as we had to rush to KL as someone passed on. in fact i didnt get to hear anything even after the trip.

i remember sunday practices. waking up to reciting the timetable at the door no matter who was passing by. no breakfast till youre satisfied. and on weekdays after school, i’d have to recite them on a stool in front of the window where the sun was merciless. i remember when i collapsed due to the heat. i was in pain when i regained consciousness. i was asked to eat but while i was getting food i was slapped. i was laughed at by sh and iq.

i joined netball at 8. i was forced to quit at 9 because i didnt do well for my exams. i wasnt in any ccas till i was 13. but i couldnt choose what i wanted. i was forced to join a uniformed group.

sh joined a dance cca and it was approved. iq joined badminton but quit. then he joined malay dance. both times it was approved. he was in the prefect team too. you kept giving him chances after chances even though he keeps failing. why couldnt i get the same amount of chances?

it was sh’s turn to take PSLE. when i texted about his results (i was out), you told me he did better than me. i was shocked as to how he could get 200 and above. he dropped out of the normal stream to foundation. he only scored 130. you were so proud of him. he went into a technical school and you supported him so much. i couldnt even choose which school i wanted to go to. “choose a school where you dont have to spend 5 years studying” but the first choice that you put would have led me to spend 5 years in secondary school. in the end i got the last choice that you put.

i remember you finding out that i was talking to a guy when i was 10. we were just talking. you found out and beat me up. i couldnt walk properly for the rest of the day.

sh and iq are saying upfront that they have girlfriends but nothing is happening to them.

i got my first tiny phone that barely works at 13. i got my first actual, second hand phone at 14. and an actual phone that wasnt passed down at 15

they got their first brand new phones at 8 and 12 respectively.

i remember entering a new school with an old bag that sags while they continued being in the same school with new bags.

i remember you asking me to choose a new bag and i asked about them. you said they wont be getting the same. i felt special. till you asked them to get new bags too.

you gave me an anello bag for school once. i felt special again because i was the only one who had it. but a week later they have it too.

i remember only going out with my friends at 15. but my curfew was before dusk.

iq went out at 9. sh went out at 13. you gave sh a curfew. he came home hours later and didnt even get scolded. i brought it up and you acknowledged it but nothing happened.

i remember going home late after school. im a teen am i not supposed to have fun with my friends? but you brought it up to one of the upper ups in school. i was put on probation for months. it was embarrassing. teachers thought that i committed a crime. an innocent me is getting probation? why? because i go home late. i cant say that i have things after school at the last minute because you say its ridiculous and bullshit.

sh goes home late. you caught him at the playground, mall, void decks. you scold him. and he does it again. but nothing major happens. iq calls or texts you that he is staying in school and you allow him to.

i remember self harming between ages 12 to 15. i was asked to go counselling. now i realised that the counselling was nothing. it didnt help at all. they put the blame on me. when you found out about this, i remember you scolding me. “what is there to be depressed about? youre only 14. all you have to do is study” i was scolded so much for being depressed and for self harming. you had to go for some parents counselling thingy too. i remember that one time i hit an all time low and self harmed again. sh snitched on me and told you about my scars. you got so mad when you saw the scars. i remember what you said to me. “why dont you do it deeper? end the burden once and for all. it’s so burdening and tiring to go to counselling after work?” i remember crying non stop. till we meet him. i was crying in the train. sh and iq was pointing at me and laughing. what you didnt know was that i was typing my suicide notes. i planned my suicide. when we met him, you told him and he glared at me so hard. i was given the silent treatment for so long. when you asked me why, i lied and say that im hated by people. how do i tell the cause of my depression that they are the cause of my depression?

i remember when i stopped self harming and counselling sessions are done. you got new piercings and i asked you if it hurts. you would always retaliate by saying that me self harming hurts more than getting pierced. you consistently did this while i was trying to heal. i remember when jonghyun passed on. i broke down a lot. i cried a lot. i revealed my vulnerable side. but i was mocked. “when a celebrity dies, she’s crying her eyes out. i wonder if she would even cry when her mom passes away.” i literally had to excuse myself so i dont break down in front of you.

i remember that you talked to me before i went on to pursue my tertiary education. you said you were disappointed in me. you said you didnt understand why i was content with my shitty results. i was content because the entire of 2018 was peak depression period. i could barely study because it was so overwhelming. the fact that i managed to even go somewhere was huge to me. i knew i disappointed you a lot because i was the only one who managed to maintain the standard and express stream. you didnt expect me to be where i am now. i put some money from my salary to pay my school fees and uniform for the first term. i already disappointed you so i didnt want to burden you. but you took it the wrong way. you thought i was trying to overthrow your responsibilities as a parent. you said that i was excited to grow up and get rid of you from my life. i remember being so shocked. yes i want to grow up so i leave this household but i have never once thought of getting rid of you.

i remember and i know that you are very against what im doing now and what i want to do in the future. but im 17 now. im turning 18 soon. how long more are you gonna make my decisions for me? why cant i choose what i want to be?

why do you assume that my depression is gone just because i dont have to go for counselling? why do you still joke about me self harming? why do you blame whatever sh and iq do on me? “monkey see, monkey do” what did i do? im still harming myself in a way. i picked up smoking at 13. and i started drinking recently. i have no idea where im gonna end up. a successful writer? at the void deck passed out? on the road surrounded by my own blood? i really dont know where i’ll end up. i dont know how long more i can take your hostile words. i hear that im useless every day. i hear that im hopeless every day. you always say that you dont understand us. why dont you try? why dont you try to put down your ego for a bit and try to understand us? try to understand me. try to talk to me. dont you notice that i never talk about how im doing? all i say is that im tired. and you scold me. “if youre tired then dont go to school” you dont even know when i get sick unless its the holidays. we stay under the same roof yet you dont know me at all. and you didnt raise me. for almost 10 years of my life, i was raised by my grandparents. please for once. stop talking and listen. understand. comfort instead of scolding. please. im losing my mind.

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